Tourism campaign, where windsocks, canons, tropical blooms and golf balls took on decidely phallic looks, might have been a tad premature.

Flipping through the latest Upscale magazine, a US glossy aimed at the African-American market, Hester was startled to come across a holiday contest where the lucky winners get an all-expenses trip to Bermuda, with a stay at Grotto Bay Beach Resort , courtesy of none other than Trojan condoms. Hester's pleased to note that the fine print says "no purchase necessary'' to enter.

No word on whether the lucky winners of "The Trojan Brand Latex Condoms Vacation Getaway'' contest get a year's supply of the popular contraceptives too! On a more `upscale' note, Hester was pleased to see Bermudian art collector Robert Bassett's Regal Art Gallery is featured in an article in the magazine on leading gallery's around the world that preserve ethnic art.

Hester was in her element last week as she sipped expensive Champagne and nibbled king prawns and wild mushrooms on melba toast at a plush beachside home while listening to the sounds of live jazz.

The exclusive afternoon-way-into-the-night bash in Southampton was put on by the Baron's British legal team in the Thyssen-Bornemizsa trust saga, currently unfolding in a Bermuda courtroom, and which each week costs an estimated $600,000 to keep the many wigs at work.

However, Hester was most taken aback to learn that Saturday's little seasonal soiree was short of a few important guests with the big bosses at the law firm Conyers, Dill & Pearman , issuing a curt internal memo ordering their staff to decline any invites from their courtroom adversaries, sparking rumours that the refusal just may have been based on sour grapes among the CD&P team taking a bit of a kicking at Supreme Court Four. The BF&M boys and girls were allowed to go though, but only on their lunchhour! Yep, they were all hard at work right through the weekend working on the finer points of that big $35-Mil settlement.

Hester hears that the boys in blue may be short on manpower -- but they're not short on (to use Dr. Ewart Brown's phrase) testicular fortitude.

A daring duo were despatched on Sunday night, according to a bemused technician innocently dismantling a concert set at Victoria Park, to investigate -- of all things -- reports of sporadic gunfire in the area.

The bobbies burst onto the scene; The startled technician held up his hands and surrendered... and then explained to the cops that balloons used to decorate the bandstand were burst rather than being released, in the interests of the environment, with correspondingly loud bangs. The deflated officers, our source relates, disappeared from the scene almost as quickly.

Hester was rather amused to hear of ZBM News Director Darlene Ming's response to a Royal Gazette reporter who inquired about a legal action facing her company. ZBM had to issue a retraction to ousted hospital engineer Neil Crane last month after claiming he'd been sacked for misconduct. Despite the lengthy apology which led the night's news on November 5, Mr. Crane is still pushing for damages. The Royal Gazette rang Ms Ming to get both sides of the story only for her to snap back: "Listen, I don't talk to The Gazette , I don't trust you guys.'' Hester wonders if ZBM is taking lessons from the PLP in dealing with the Press, or could there be something more to it? Apparently Ms Ming doesn't trust her reporters either. Hester is told she insists on telling her hacks exactly which questions to ask before they go out on a job.

Hester was wondering what it would take to get European pop star Heather Nova back to her Island home to perform. The 31-year-old singer, who was born here, wrote all of the songs from her newest album Siren from a seaside cottage in Bermuda. However, it was audiences in Europe, and this summer's Glastonbury rock festival in England that got to hear them live.

Howver, it appears Bermuda has finally won out, signing Heather as its star attraction to ring in the new Millennium at a Dockyard bash expected to draw 8,000-10,000. Hester hears Heather will be paid a cool $60,000 for just over an hour's performance live on stage as Y2K arrives in all its glory.

For Heather's fans, Hester has this update, her latest single is the soundtrack to the German film Gloomy Sunday and she's planning on putting out a new album Heather Nova Live early in 2000. Meanwhile, her songs continue to be snapped up as background and title tracks for TV shows, including Felicity and Dawson's Creek, as well as such films as The Craft, Notting Hill and the Crow.

Hester thinks she might have to start a section in her column devoted solely to BTC moans 'n groans. Here's yet another one! When Hester's friend moved house last week, she was promised her telephone would be connected the very day she moved into her new Southampton apartment.

In fact, her landlady, ever aware of the smooth inner workings of BTC, had efficiently requested the line two months previously . And so, the line was installed, a phone was at the ready, and all the worker from BTC apparently had to do was flick a switch at the top of the road to connect the line to the network.

But as the day wore on, no chap in gray overalls arrived. After going out to find a payphone, Hester's frustrated pal was informed by a flat-voiced rep on the other end that BTC had cancelled the appointment and the phone company had, well, simply forgotten to tell her. Being a good natured gal, she resigned herself to the fact she may now have to wait a while longer than expected to be able to ring Hester every day for all the gossip. "May I have another appointment then?'' she asked. "Sure,'' the rep said. "How's the middle of February, 2000!'' If Lighthouse Hill residents happen to see a blonde climbing a phone pole with crowbar in hand, that's Hester's ace girl breaking into the exchange box to flick the switch on herself.