If you were asked to give a definition for conflict, what would you say? Are you thinking about yelling and arguing? Does your mind conjure up that oh, so familiar feeling of anxiety and anger? Most people do hold a negative image and recall a `bad' sensation when asked to consider the phenomenon of conflict. Why is that? Especially when, in theoretical terms, conflict is said to arise between two or more individuals or groups when the fulfilment of the interests, needs or goals of one's life are perceived to be incompatible with the fulfilment of the interests, needs or goals of the other side. That doesn't sound that bad.

Consider this: A husband and wife are having an emotional discussion about how holiday time will be spent in the summer. In the middle of the dialogue, the husband says, "You're being really defensive.'' The wife very skillfully responds, "No, I'm not!'' After an exchange of "Yes, you are'' and "No, I'm not,'' the wife manages to shift to a place of curiosity, and asks her husband an open question: "What does `defensive' mean to you?'' (It was becoming clear to her that they did not see this interaction in the same way). His response surprised her because it was quite different from her own definition.

He thought defensive people were "covering their butts'' and "lying through their teeth''. She responded that she felt judged, blamed and falsely accused, so it made sense to her that she was merely protecting herself.

You may have expected a different outcome to the conflict situation. One where doors slam, feelings are hurt and issues are left unresolved. Most people try to avoid conflict or respond to it with a "knee-jerk'' reaction. Both of these responses result in negative emotions, ineffective solutions and unresolved issues. This example, however suggests that conflict can be useful in bringing about positive change and growth in individuals. Rather than staying in an attack-defend patter, this situation allowed for an opportunity to begin to understand one another's perspective.

Conflict is a fact of life. We see examples of it every day ranging from minor disagreements between individuals to political disagreements that have escalated into war. If conflict is handled badly, it can lead to mistrust, anxiety and dissatisfaction with oneself and with others. Conflict does not have to be destructive or dysfunctional. In fact, conflict is healthy and can be productive. Poorly managed conflicts can destroy relationships, families and communities. If managed skillfully and creatively, conflict can bring increased benefits to everyone. It can stimulate interest, improve communication, increase productivity and being about social change.

The ability to resolve conflict is one of the more important social skills individuals can acquire, yet there are few opportunities to learn how to use conflict in a positive way. We use different ways to resolve conflicts, depending on the situation and the persons involved. For example, you probably do not talk to your boss in the same way that you talk to a friend. Not only is it important to recognise how we respond to conflict situations, it is also helpful to be aware of our inner reaction. What feelings are evoked? Do we view conflict as an opportunity for learning, or is it something we dread and fear? Knowledge of our own reactions to conflict is a first step to making positive change in our lives.

As friends, parents, neighbours, or co-workers, it is not uncommon for us to be called upon to intervene in disputes involving others. Sometimes we play the role of arbitrator or decision-maker. There are times, however, when it may be more useful to help the parties resolve their own disputes without making decisions for them. This process is called mediation. Mediation has a unique potential for responding to conflict. It is about the opportunities that conflict affords for moral development, and the power of mediation to capture those opportunities by helping people respond with compassionate strength as they address difficult and often painful disputes.

Many practitioners in the field of community meditation have come to believe that mediation's greatest value lies in its potential not only to find solutions to people's problems but to change themselves for the better, in the very midst of conflict. These changes occur because, through mediation, people find ways to avoid succumbing to conflict's most destructive pressures: to act from weakness rather than strength and to dehumanise rather than acknowledge each other.

Bermuda's Centre for Community and Family Mediation believes that when people are changed in the way they address conflict through their participation in mediation, the interactions they have in their families, businesses, neighbourhoods, and institutions are in turn changed. As a result, the effects of mediation reach beyond the settlement of a particular dispute and have cumulative impact on the larger social arenas in which daily interactions permeate into society.

The Centre for Community and Family Mediation, the newest division of the Coalition for the Protection of Children, is a non-profit, community agency.

Learning to manage conflict The agency offers a range of services including conciliation, mediation, facilitation, public speaking and training for those who wish to resolve conflicts in an non-confrontational, private, expedient and inexpensive manner.

The process of mediation helps people in dispute come to a satisfying resolution. Trained mediators assist parties who wish to meet face to fact to resolve their differences and bring closure to a conflict. Each party gets to tell his or her story without interruption. Issues are clarified, interests are identified and opportunities for several options to resolve the issue are explored. Traditionally, collaborative disputes resolution takes less time and money than legal actions, and the outcomes are noted to be more satisfying for both parties. Because mediation is about conflict and because conflict is often about emotions i.e. anger, fear, feeling hurt, mediation must welcome the experience of this. Our model of mediation recognises that feelings and emotions are `one's life speaking' and it is indeed these ideas that help guide the process of mediation. Mediation can help in situations involving consumer-merchant differences, employee-employer tensions, or in disagreements between co-workers, business associates, neighbours, relatives, parents and teens, couples, roommates and acquaintances.The mediator keeps the process fair, does not take sides or offer solutions, ensures a safe and respectful dialogue and assists the parties to come to their own solutions.

The training division of the centre offers training at both the introductory and advanced level of mediation. The Centre offers practice-based courses that provide participants with an overview of the skills and process of mediation.

At the introductory level, participants gain an understanding of and an ability to actively listen, de-escalate high emotion, using broadening and deepening questions, reframe, respectfully assert, help parties move from positions to interests in conflict, assist parties in generating solutions and in deciding upon best solutions, and guide parties through an interest-based conflict resolution process.

The profession of mediation and the entire field of conflict resolution is rapidly developing in many areas of society. Opportunities are expanding in such areas as labour relations, environment and land-use negotiation, organisational disputes, family and various sectors of commercial disputes.

All of those interested in developing their understanding of conflict dynamics and their ability to resolve conflict more effectively in their personal or professional lives are invited to join our learning community. We believe there is a better way to harmonise relationships in our society. For further information please contact us at the Centre for Community and Family Mediation, 38 Mount Hill Road, Pembroke, Bermuda, HM 09 or phone us at 292-7675.

Karen E. Lapade is a Mediation Trainer for the Centre for Community and Family Mediation.