one way to rebuild and regain emotional health. A knowledgeable, skilled counsellor can often assist abused survivors to identify ways to heal and to nurture emotional health.

WHY SEEK COUNSELLING? Some people hesitate to seek professional counselling, thinking it is an admission that something is wrong with them. Abusers may foster this belief as a way to isolate their victims and retain control over them. However, many people who seek positive personal growth seek good counselling. Here are some other issues for which people may seek counselling after abuse.

Concerns about children, such as school performance, the effects of partner abuse on children, and custody matters.

Economic burdens such as finances, work, and credit issues.

Dependency and codependency, which can confuse and add to other difficulties couples, have in abusive relationships.

Grief and depression that often follow long-term abuse and the ending of relationships.

Emotional issues such as hurt, guilt, embarrassment, shame, and feeling of low self-esteem.

Changing relationships with friends and family. This can include dealing with loss, attitudes and feelings that involve both abusers and victims.

Sexual abuse issues and feelings of betrayal, loss, confusion, and personal boundaries.

Personal growth that may have been stunted or stopped by an abuser.

Work-related issues that may be difficult for victims to sort out.

Religious convictions and beliefs that are often confusing to victims in abusive relationships.

Support for healing while going through the transitional stages of recovering from the damage of abuse. Good counsellors promote a feeling of goal-oriented partnership.

If you have been abused, you have experienced damage. You may have difficulty sleeping because of worry, anxiety, or fear for your safety. You may be exhausted or overwhelmed. You may not know whom to trust. You may feel betrayed, abandoned, defeated, sad, hurt, confused, and angry. You may be afraid to believe or love again. You may have abused your children. Your abuser or others you approached for help may have revictimised you. You may wonder if you played a part in your abuse. You may have developed negative defences to respond to your abuse. You may feel confused about what has happened and about your abuser, and have feelings of loss about your friends, co-workers, or family members and how they reacted to your abuse. You may feel confused or angry because you were unable to please your abuser, unable to do the right thing; you may feel you are always making mistakes. You may feel guilty because you were told you said the wrong thing, wore the wrong clothes, or put on the wrong makeup. You may have been told you chose the wrong partner and are to blame for your abuse. You may feel isolated, humiliated, and very ashamed. You may feel devastated or overwhelmed. You may hate your body or feel dirty; you may not want to be touched by anyone. You may feel no one else will ever want you. The stress and violence you endured may affect your physical health. You may be experiencing physical symptoms such as stomach problems, hair loss, ulcers, or intestinal disorders. You may have lost or gained weight from nervousness and tension. You may have abused substances to deny your pain. If you have experienced any of these things, you are not alone. These are consequences of abuse that many victims have endured, and just some of the symptoms that working with professional counsellors can help you begin to understand and recover from.

TO OUR READERS: Although you and your counsellor will be partners in your healing and rebuilding, it is important for you to realise that making a decision to leave or stay in your relationship, if you are still in one, will be your decision.

You may want to discuss this with your counsellor at the beginning of your work together, and ask whether he or she will be willing to work with you regardless of whether you choose to stay or to leave. For more information regarding counselling after abuse, call The Physical Abuse Centre at 292-4366.

The Physical Abuse Centre is a part of The Family Resource Network, which consists of The Coalition for The Protection of Children, The Institute of Child & Family Health, P.A.R.E.N.T.S. and The Fathers' Resource Centre. The agencies joined in 1998 to better serve Bermuda's families with a common goal and shared vision.

Nina Jones PAC Counsellor