The 100 Best Places to Kiss, Smooch and Snuggle in Bermuda. by Dale Butler.

The Writer's Machine.

St. Valentine's Day approaches and the irrepressible Dale Butler's latest book is guaranteed to put even the most unromantic soul in the mood for love.

For Mr. Butler's offering lists the most romantic spots on a very romantic Island -- and even gives the romantic equivalent of road tests from 200 Bermudians -- with names left out to protect the guilty, of course.

The book begins with an A-Z of Bermuda's hot spots, starting with Admiralty House Park in Pembroke and ending with Zuill's Park in Smith's Parish.

Mr. Butler lists the more obvious like the beaches and moongates -- but the inclusion of banks, with a sly dig at the length of queues, and even on top of the traditional white-painted Bermuda cottage roof perhaps wouldn't occur to most.

The Top Ten -- leading off with low-lying Horseshoe Bay, but including under a restaurant table and the heights of Gibb's Hill Lighthouse -- isn't short of surprises, either.

But St. George's comes out as top parish in the smooching stakes with 19 entries, while Paget and Devonshire bring up the rear with only three apiece.

And the difference in the sexes is summed up neatly in Men are from Somerset, Women are from St. George's -- a parody of Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus -- which includes such polar attitudes as beer and beef pies for men, white wine and fish sandwiches for women, plus mayonnaise for the chaps and low-fat dressing for ladies.

Based on that, it comes as something of a relief to see that, from the selection of genuine love letters included, some sort of meeting of the minds -- and bodies, of course -- is still possible.

And once you've found your heart's desire -- Mr. Butler steps in with a little sage advice on how to keep her -- or him.

How to locate and hang on to a Bermudian man includes the fairly obvious -- "make him feel important'' and "know the name of at least one football team and it better be his'' -- to the slightly cryptic "Get E-Mail.'' To find and keep a Bermudian woman, sayd Mr. Butler, it's best to learn to play netball because that's where you'll find the babes.

And with hard-headed realism he offers "Have some money'' and "Take a loan at the bank'' as best practice for Bermudian men.

But perhaps the funniest section in the entire book is the attitude of youngsters to love.

One world-weary eight-year-old complains: "Love will find you even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five but the girls keep finding me.'' And another suggests caution: "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough.'' Chuck in quotes on love from everywhere from the Bible to Lord Byron and Confucius to Albert Camus, and you've got the perfect little handbook for love and life in Bermuda.

It's an ideal St. Valentine's Day present -- maybe even for yourself. Just to be on the safe side, course.

RAYMOND HAINEY Dale Butler BOOK BKS