Each day at the Physical Abuse Centre men and women come in to discuss their abusive situations. Wife abuse and husband abuse are treated separately at PAC yet it needs to be emphasised that mutual abuse is more common than either.

While husbands tend to view their marital relationships as mutually violent, wives view the husbands as violent. Both spouses report more violence for their partner than they are willing to acknowledge for themselves. Also, each spouse tends to be more likely to report their own victimisation than their own use of violence. This story is about a couple who are one of many The Physical Abuse Centre (PAC) helps with this typical scenario. He sought the assistance of The Physical Abuse Centre because his partner was abusive. As he stares at the PAC floor, his story begins.

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY I met her years ago and we started to live together. The worst violence I remember was when she said something about me at this party and I got embarrassed. When we got outside I grabbed her and threw her to the ground and started pounding her head on the sidewalk. She was screaming and there, was terror in her eyes. My brother ran over and tried to get me off of her. He said, "You're going to kill her!'' I'm not sure if I would have, but I stopped.

I thought that she provoked my abuse. She would call me names or criticise my parenting abilities or say something that she knew would p... me off, and I felt totally justified in letting her have it. I usually blamed her for the violence. When she would come home late I felt justified in hitting her. On some level I knew it was wrong to hit her, but I believed she brought it on herself. I always thought that if she would just stop resisting me and do as I said, she wouldn't get hit.

After being violent, I would try to get her to see that what I did wasn't that bad. I'd say, `you don't have any marks on you', or `other men would have done worse'. If I'd slapped her, I'd say later, `Well, I didn't use a clenched fist'.'' One time we got into a fight in the bedroom and I pushed her and she fell over the nightstand by the bed. She ended up with a broken limb. A couple of weeks later, we were over at our friends' house, sitting around the table, and they asked what had happened. She made up some story about tripping and falling. I was real uncomfortable and I got angry at her because I was embarrassed in front of our friends. She was also violent with me. She was tough, and at the time both of us were into the bar scene. Sometimes she would throw things at me, slap me, or try and kick me. Actually, I was glad when she did that, because then I would feel totally justified in beating her up. There were times that I would goad her by getting in her face, calling her particular names so she would strike first. When she did, it would give me the green light to knock the s... out of her. Sometimes I would laugh at her after she hit me.

I rarely apologised unless the violence was real bad. When I apologised there was still this hint that it was her fault. I expected her to forgive me and I would get really angry when she wouldn't.

One night she called the police and they arrested me because they had told me to leave the house after an incident and I had come back. I was charged with assault. I was really mad at the police, the justice system, and her. I felt no one was listening to my side of the story and everyone was blaming me when I thought she was just as much to blame. I threatened her that if she didn't get the charges dropped I would really hurt her. But she refused to drop the charges. One day, I called the Physical Abuse Centre and went in to talk with the counsellor there. I asked the PAC, counsellor, `What about her violence? What am I supposed to do when she slaps me?' The counsellor would challenge me to look at my own violence and not to focus on her. It finally started to sink in and I realised that she didn't have to change for me to change.

After a few sessions something happened to me. It was actually freeing to take responsibility for my behaviour, and challenging to examine my beliefs. I began to enjoy going to The Physical Abuse Centre and talking about this stuff with my counsellor. Even though I started making changes, that wasn't enough to save my relationship with her. I guess too much had happened between us -- too much pain and too much of my violence -- for us to heal as a couple.

I waited a long time before I decided to get involved in a new relationship. I wanted to be sure that I -- along with the assistance of a PAC counsellor -- had worked through my issues around wanting to control women. I also wanted to be absolutely sure that I would be non-violent in any future relationship.

HER SIDE OF THE STORY My partner and I lived together for a few years. After we were married, the physical abuse started almost immediately. I was taught that you stay in a relationship no matter what, so I was determined to make the relationship work.

I called The Physical Abuse Centre for help, and after the counsellor carefully assessed my situation, I fled to the Safe House. After a few weeks had passed, I decided to give him another chance. I moved back in with him and we started to work on our issues. He wasn't violent during that year but when we'd argue he would throw stuff close to me. He'd throw an ashtray a few inches from my head, then he'd say "I didn't hit you''. At the time I thought, well that's true, he didn't hit me.

Months went on, and the violence started again. After he hit me, he would say that if I just hadn't done this or said that, he wouldn't have hit me. So I stopped doing or saying things that apparently were setting him off. He told me not to yell, so I stopped yelling. He told me he wouldn't hit me if I got a job, so I got a job. He told me he wouldn't hit me if I didn't drink, so I quit drinking. But the violence didn't stop. He always had a reason. I kept trying to change my life so I wouldn't get hit.

I think the worst time was when he punched me so hard in the face that it split my head open. On another occasion he kicked me in the stomach while I was pregnant.

With the help from the Physical Abuse Centre, I got a restraining order against him and he left the island. I have limited contact with him today except for visitation with the children. I think he could have changed if he had gotten some education or have been confronted with his behaviour early on.

I know that he knew what he was doing wasn't right. Once he introduced me to a female friend of his who was being battered. He was outraged and concerned and wanted to find ways to helping her. Ironically, he couldn't make the connection between what he was doing to me and what was happening to this woman.

Healing for me is a long process. I thought when I left him everything would be okay, but it wasn't. It wasn't until I started going to the PAC, counsellor, the support groups and sorting through everything that had happened that I started to heal. I never thought I was a battered woman. But I am gaining self-confidence. I don't know if I'll ever marry again. It's strange that after all that happened, I still have feelings for my ex-partner.

We spent years together and had children together. Yet I don't think I could ever go back. My trust level with men is pretty low and I'm not sure I would want to take the chance of another relationship.