An inflamed liver, ruptured spleen, a heart attack (at only 29 years of age), paralysis of the right arm and a coma lasting five days, pales into insignificance as she recalls the nightmare moment at her `crack house' home, when a loaded gun was held to her head: only a deep-rooted instinct for survival enabled her to bluff her way through as she told her tormentor, "Give me the gun, I'll do it myself''. Later, she managed to retrieve the gun (loaded with four bullets) and sold it, so ensuring -- for a while, at least -- a steady supply of the crack cocaine that had now become the most important thing in her life.

Today, Desiree Symonds smiles serenely as she recalls that ten-year descent into the hell of drug and alcohol addiction, for she is one of the success stories -- some might say, a miracle story -- of the Fair Havens Christian Care Association, a women's residential programme for the treatment of alcohol and drug abuse.

Fair Havens, situated on Victoria Street and meticulously renovated, with spacious, cool and quiet rooms, is just that: a haven of peace and safety.

Only a few yards away, the culture of addiction still thrives, a perpetual reminder for the women of what they are trying to leave behind. It is not unusual, says executive director Rosemary McNaughton, for residents having to bear the taunts of passersby, for beers to be thrown on the porch and sometimes, finding people who have "dossed down'' there for the night. "God bless the church (St. Paul A.M.E.) for providing this building, but being in this area does make it hard to keep our residents from negative things.'' This point of view is not entirely shared by Ms Symonds. "I made it! It's not the place, it's the individual. If I could make it, anyone can make it -- but you have to want to get well, to be determined. Let's face it, you have to be pretty determined to get your life in the mess mine was in! But I was able to use that same determination and stubbornness, turn it around and make it work positively for me. I am so grateful that I was able to do that at Fair Havens.'' Describing the residence as her "life-line'' where her life was given back to her, she says, "One day, I looked at myself in the mirror and suddenly realised what I was doing to myself and I was determined to be the first one through the door when Fair Havens opened. As it happened, I was the third girl.'' It was not to be an easy journey. "I was on probation at the time, having run two crack houses. I got busted in the first one, but they only found drug equipment, so I was a given an 18-month suspended sentence. I realise now that, even after all I had done and gone through, I still wasn't ready for Fair Havens because after three months I went out again and used. Thankfully, after a month's suspension they took me back, although I was still very rebellious about the strict routine. I got punished a lot because I wanted to do everything my way. I realise now I was still very angry that I had allowed myself to end up in a rehab! At Fair Havens I was shown that I had to become humble in order to change -- and recovery is about change. One of my counsellors, Deana Ingham, who helped me a lot, told me that `my way' had got me there in the first place, so why not try another way? She was quite right about that!'' Continued on page 23 Getting women back on their feet These days, Ms Symonds, now in her fifth year of recovery, welcomes the chance to go back to Fair Havens. She returns as a volunteer and, as the "living proof'' that recovery is indeed possible, helps in counselling other residents. Conscious that the example she sets is important to the concept of rehabilitation generally, and to Fair Havens in particular, Ms Symonds is able to tell them that she holds a responsible job, has her own apartment, and has re-established a loving relationship with her daughter who has just graduated with honours from high school. "Some of them feel easier, talking to me about some things. And,'' she adds with a laugh, "they know they can't use any tricks with me because I've been there, done it all, I know every trick in the book.'' Recognising that female addicts face special problems which, very often, involve children, Fair Havens was established in 1992 through the joint efforts of the Bermuda Ministerial Association and Government (which pays the rent to the building owners, St. Paul AME Church). The centre, which can house up to ten women on a full-time basis, had to rely mainly, at first, on donations from various churches. "That was until Council Partners came along and, now, it has become much easier. In fact, we probably could not have continued without their financial assistance. Once our residents start work, we expect them to make a donation for their keep. It's all part of teaching them to be responsible citizens,'' says Canadian-born Mrs. McNaughton.

Because of church affiliations, she explains, there is a Christian aspect to the programme which works closely with residents' families. "We also encourage 12-step programmes such as Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) and Narcotics Anonymous (N.A.).'' Paying tribute to the help given by Family Services and Teen Services, Mrs. McNaughton emphasises that women reach Fair Havens through a variety of routes -- some by self-referrals, some from Montrose Substance Abuse Centre, through probation, or Child and Family Services. Depending on progress, women are eventually allowed out to visit families and to take up jobs in the community.

Since inception, a total of 69 people (as of last March) have passed through Fair Havens, staying for periods from six months to one year, with a two-year after-care programme, as well as an outpatient facility. "So far, we have only had to dismiss nine people and 33 have discharged themselves.'' This 50 percent success rate (so far) seems to be much higher than national averages elsewhere and, as Mrs. McNaughton points out, some have left for reasons that are not necessarily drug-related. "Some families or `significant others' can be interfering and disruptive. That is why some women opt for the outpatient approach.'' The after-care helps prevent relapse, although, as counsellor Gryneth Robinson points out, "A relapse need not be the end of the world. It can serve as a valuable learning experience. These women have to recognise that there will never be a `safe' situation ever again. And the public needs to understand that one alcoholic drink, still considered an acceptable way of getting `high', can lead to relapse.'' Mrs. Robinson, formerly with Addiction Services and a founding member of the Fair Havens project, believes the general public is only now beginning to come to terms with the scale of rape and incest in Bermuda. "There is a tendency to separate sexual abuse from the drugs problem, yet it is very often directly connected. For many, alcohol and drugs provide a `numbing out', it's a form of medication to alleviate the pain and outrage they have suffered. So one of the obligations of the professional staff here is to ensure that everyone here is truly safe. By the time they arrive, many have abandoned any idea of the nuclear family. Whether they come here willingly or not, it is amazing to see the difference in attitude and values after just a few weeks. Some of their partners see that difference and if they want to hold on to a relationship, they often end up going for treatment as well!'' Sonia Paynter, a part-time counsellor, explains the daily routine at Fair Havens. Even a quick glance around the house confirms that standards of cleanliness and neatness are extraordinarily high.

"Residents are responsible for every aspect of running the place,'' she says.

"They take turns with cleaning and cooking tasks and plan meals, compile shopping lists, work out rotas and designate tasks. We have `house meetings' to sort all this out, as well as resolving any conflicts that may arise.'' In between breakfast and lunch, there is a busy schedule of household chores, individual counselling sessions, with group discussions in the afternoons, sometimes with A.A. or N.A. members. There are outings and picnics with dinner at 5 p.m. -- held early so that those who have earned the privilege to leave the premises can go off to 12-step meetings.'' As Desiree Symonds reflects on what Fair Havens has meant to her, she reveals that she plans to get married to a man she met through her church, says "Whoever could have imagined that? I owe it all to Fair Havens and when the other women there ask why I keep coming back I tell them I need to be reminded, so that I will never forget who and what I was. I am very grateful, too,'' she adds, "that I found A.A. when I did. I `played around' with A.A.

before I got to Fair Havens but could never see myself sitting around drinking coffee. But my first real experience of feeling loved was in those A.A. rooms.

So I go to meetings and, can you believe, I now sponsor (help) four newcomers.

I really believe,'' she adds pensively, "that a `good' person was always inside me and wanted to get out -- but didn't know how! Thanks to this amazing combination of Fair Havens, A.A. and my church, that `good' person, against all the odds, managed to get out.'' THE WINNING TEAM -- Fair Havens executive director Rosemary McNaughton (second from right) with counsellor Sonia Paynter (left), administrative assistant Barbara Burchell and counsellor Gryneth Robinson (right).