ERROR RG P4 4.6.1994 Bereavement counsellor Mrs. Susan Wallbank's lecture for professionals is on June 6, not June 4 as stated in the yesterday's "Taste'' feature.

Death is a subject most people prefer not to face or even discuss (witness the many euphemisms we have for it: passed away, gone on, left us, departed this life), yet death is an inescapable part of life.

Whether it is a child experiencing the loss of a much-loved adult, teens mourning the tragic death of a peer, or a senior citizen losing a lifelong partner, the grief is the same.

And whether the death is expected or sudden makes little difference to the overwhelming sense of loss which follows.

Yet, as much a part of life as death is, few are emotionally, mentally, and physically prepared for the epic event of finality which separates us from a life we once knew and cherished.

Mourning is, in fact, one of the least-understood emotions, even by professionals. Phrases like "Time is the great healer,'' "Concentrate on building a life for yourself,'' and "You're strong, you'll be all right'' may be well-intentioned, but frankly do little to comfort and sustain those experiencing personal loss.

Indeed, after about three weeks of intense interest, compassion, diversion and support from friends and relatives, the bereaved are expected to simply "get on with it''. Societally, the gap left by the deceased becomes papered over by the ever-rolling business of living.

It is a ritual whose wake leaves the bereaved confused, filled with an aching void, and very often engulfed in feelings of helplessness.

For many, the loss of a loved one can be devastating, particularly if the person played a major supportive role in the partner's life -- a wife, for example, whose husband "did everything'' for her, from managing finances, to mending and repairing, booking holidays, and even cooking and cleaning; or the widower who never lifted a domestic finger and who must now work out how to buy groceries, cook, clean, wash and iron in addition to everything else.

How will such people go on? Why do they still mourn months, even years later? Will they ever get over it? The answer is: there is no simple answer according to Mrs. Susan Wallbank of Cruse, a British organisation with a network of bereavement support groups throughout the British Isles, and a constantly-manned hot line for those who need immediate help in managing their grief.

"Everybody grieves in their own way,'' Mrs. Wallbank explained. "Just as there are different personalities, so too are there ways people cope with death.'' What is often not understood is that grieving is not a single process but several.

"Grieving is a three-stage process: thinking, feeling, doing,'' Mrs. Wallbank explained. "The way we are able to deal with bereavement goes back to the uniqueness of people. Some people will do a great deal with the `feeling' work -- crying, anger, rage. Others will say, `I am a very practical person' and go out and rebuild their lives.

"People usually balance out, but most do a bit of one and a bit of another.

Because we are individuals we find our own way of surviving something that at some level seems quite unbearable.'' How well people handle bereavement depends on understanding grief, and this is what Mrs. Wallbank will be focussing on during her visit to the Island next week as a guest of Compass, the local bereavement support group.

Originally trained as a student counsellor, Mrs. Wallbank left her post at the University of London Health Centre to join Cruse with the idea of learning more bereavement before returning to the University.

Sixteen years later, she is still at Cruse, where she is the counselling co-ordinator for this 200-branch organisation.

She is the author of two death-related books: `The Empty Bed -- Bereavement and the Loss of Love' and `Facing Grief -- Bereavement and the Young Adult', and her poems have appeared in a number of anthologies.

Mrs. Wallbank has also lectured extensively on all aspects of loss and bereavement in Britain and abroad, and brings a wealth of experience and knowledge to her audiences.

In Bermuda, she will give three lectures: one to professionals such as doctors, nurses, policemen and undertakers; another to the general public; and a third specifically for young people (see schedule below).

Her lectures will be followed by what Mrs. Wallbank hopes will be extended question and answer sessions, wherein people can have their personal concerns addressed.

"In anticipation of that, I would ask people to think about what they want to ask and bring their questions along with them,'' Mrs. Wallbank said.

Admitting that dealing with grief took a great deal of mental and emotional work, the counselling co-ordinator said statistics had shown that women were better equipped to deal with death than men.

"That is because women are the emotional people in society; they turn to other women for support,'' she explained.

Men, on the other hand, faced different problems.

"If they turn to women for support they very often find themselves trapped in a relationship they do not want; or else they get excluded,'' Mrs. Wallbank said. "I have talked to men who have not had a woman cross their doorstep in a year.'' She noted that research in the US and Britain indicated older men were more likely to die six months after the death of their spouse.

"But we all know there are exceptions,'' Mrs. Wallbank added. "Men do find a way of living on after their wives.'' However, no matter who was grieving, or at what age, she said "death was never easy because of all the other things people had to deal with in life.'' And it made no difference whether the death was anticipated or sudden.

"Obviously, both areas have got their own great difficulties and problems,'' Mrs. Wallbank explained. "Research indicates that where there is a totally sudden, unexpected death those people find it harder to accept the reality of the death, and the shock is intensified.'' For those who cared for a terminally ill loved one, death was not always a release for the caregiver. This was because, throughout the illness, the latter was largely isolated from life outside the home, and often abandoned by all but the closest friends or relatives.

As a result, when the person was were freed from the constraints of intense caregiving, they found themselves feeling even more isolated, not least because the intense focus of their lives had also gone.

"Such people have their own set of great problems in trying to rebuild their lives,'' Mrs. Wallbank noted.

As to why others drifted away from, tended to avoid, or otherwise felt unable to face the bereaved immediately following a death, the UK expert said the reasons were manifold.

"Sometimes it is because friends are supposed to look after each other and be merry, and when that stops happening the contract between them becomes very different. Now, when they go to visit, their friend is involved in a world of pain and it becomes hard to keep the contract going,'' she suggested.

But there was a way out of this for those who felt inept at expressing sympathy in the immediate aftermath of death.

"It is terribly important that the bereaved receive comfort and support from friends, neighbours and relatives,'' Mrs. Wallbank stressed. "But if you don't feel able to say things in person, write a note -- people treasure these notes for a long time -- and visit them later.'' As for the adage, "Time heals,'' the counselling co-ordinator replied that death did not diminish grief, which was one reason a lot of people became upset months later because they thought they should have been "over it'' but were not.

Explaining that there were "patterns to grieving'', Mrs. Wellbank said that people "mostly thought about feelings when they thought about death, -- anger, guilt, et cetera, "but the mental work of grief -- of trying to accept it and think about it -- is far greater than that which takes place in our emotions''.

For many bereaved a major restructuring of their lives -- finding ways to cope with decisions and responsibilities formerly handled by their partner -- was necessary.

Turning to the issue of how to deal with children and teens affected by a death, Mrs. Wellbank stressed it was important to give them as much information as they could comprehend, to talk things over with them, and discover what their doubts and anxieties were.

She felt it was wrong to "protect'' children from the obvious trauma going on around them, thus leaving them uncomprehending and open to fear of the unknown and imagining all sorts of unpleasant things.

"Children grieve like adults,'' Mrs. Wallbank said. "I think they should be included in everything adults feel able to include them in. Adults should give them enough information so they can touch the feelings they need to touch in order to understand what is happening.

"Whether a child goes to a funeral or not is a personal decision. If we can include children, we include them in one of the biggest events that a family takes part in. The more we can include them the better, but it has to be done with care.'' Of the oft-perceived "anti-social'' way in which teenagers expressed grief over the death of a peer by such acts as defacing private property, walls and roadways with spray-painted graffiti, Mrs. Wallbank took a conciliatory view.

"It is important to young people to find their own way to express grief,'' she reasoned. "Memories are important to all of us, whether we are young or not. In the hierarchy of grief, very often young people feel excluded.

"When young people are grieving for their friends they have got to find a space for themselves. They have no part in the funeral arrangements so they are forced to say `We love this person, we care too; the deceased is very important to us as well' in other ways.'' Mrs. Wellbank's lecture schedule is: June 4 (for professionals), King Edward Hospital Conference Room. June 7: general public, Astwood Hall. June 9: Compass members, TB, Cancer & Health Association headquarters. June 10: Young people (coping skills), Cathedral Hall, Church Street. For further information contact Mrs. Helen DeSousa at 295-8536 or see Bermuda Calendar.

DOING IT THEIR WAY -- Teens mourning the loss of their friend Kioshi Edwards in a traffic accident earlier this year express their grief by hanging a sheet bearing messages of remembrance.