Hester understands there were a few giggles -- accompanied by some very ugly stares -- at the very solemn prayer reading which preceded last Friday's Throne Speech on the grounds of the Cabinet Building.

For one impertinent media member -- who's identity Hester will not reveal -- couldn't control himself when he picked up a UBP press release announcing the boycott of the ceremony.

While we may think Pamela Gordon leader of the Opposition, the reporter burst into a fit of the giggles when he discovered that the rumoured return of Sir John Swan may have already happened.

For there in small print at the bottom of the release was the gallant knight and architect of recent Bermuda history -- listed as party leader.

Also still listed were Michael Spurling as party chairman and Larry Scott as executive officer.

Hester thinks the Opposition must be in pretty desperate financial straits if it has to resort to using stationary from a decade or more ago.

They may argue that it's sound fiscal practice -- then again, perhaps they just want to return to a winning team.

And keeping with political party stationary... Although Hester -- for some unknown reason -- was not invited to attend the prestigious PLP bash at the luxurious Southampton Princess Hotel at the weekend, she has got hold of one of the very glossy programmes that were dished out to attendees.

As well as giving a glowing biography of guest speaker, UK MP Oona King, the booklet also contains an itinerary of the evening's events as well as a list of corporate sponsors and party big-wigs.

But what really took Hester's breath away was the back page -- which was left completely blank apart from a heading at the top which read: Autographs.

Now Hester knows better than anyone else that Bermuda is a playground for the rich and famous but she was totally unaware that the likes of David Bowie, Michael Douglas, Tom Cruise and Samuel L. Jackson were fully paid-up members of the Island's ruling party.

Had Hester known such celebs were going to be showing their faces she would have got out her best frock and gatecrashed the shin-dig herself.

On second thoughts, perhaps not. Those in the know say that the hotel's wine waiters were a bit slow off the mark, failing to appear with Hester's favoured bottle of claret until well into the third course of the posh-nosh. Hester would never be able to put up with such second-rate service.

Hester was led to believe those naughty trick-or-treaters had got up to some early mischief when she caught a cab in the middle of busy Hamilton earlier this week.

For after sinking into the plush rear seats of the vehicle, she suddenly realised that the cab ceiling was covered in graffiti.

It was only after she asked her driver why he hadn't got around to cleaning up the mess that it was proudly pointed out to her that the `graffiti' was in fact the signatures of various golfing stars who had taken a ride in the cab at various times, among them the legendary Tom Watson .

Now Hester confesses to know very little about the ancient game of golf but one thing she always did believe was that it was a game for gentlemen.

Dame Lois Browne Evans might be Bermuda's best known history teacher, never at a loss to come out with a quick lesson during sessions in the House of Assembly.

But the veteran MP has left it up to Hester to reveal a rather inglorious chapter in the Island's military past.

The lengthy Throne Speech delivery last week clearly had an affect on the assembled masses, not least the lean, mean, fighting machine that is the Bermuda Regiment.

Some of the poor souls who had to stand rigidly to attention during the ceremony began wilting in the heat, and a few privates on parade actually crumpled under the midday sun. It is therefore fortunate that the Regiment now plays with blunt bayonets.

Apparently they used to be sharp but when the fainting became so commonplace the colonels thought it better if the knives were blunted somewhat. Wounded troops are bad for morale and all that.

It is not clear whether the de-sharpening was also prompted by world peace following the end of the Cold War.

It's not surprising the Island's literacy problem just won't go away, if a notice spotted in one of the lecture theatres at Bermuda College is anything to go by.

A picture of a high-tech calculator is accompanied by the words: `If your calculator has alphabetical keys like these, you can't use it '.

Call Hester pedantic but surely the correct English is: `If your calculator has alphabetical keys like these, one is not permitted to use it .' Perhaps some of the Island's teachers should go back to the classroom for a quick refresher course in grammar.