almost everyone has to endure at some time or another.

Rarely, however, are we really prepared for what is an emotionally shattering event. Death, in western society, is a topic discussed in hushed voices -- or preferably, not at all. Now, it is generally agreed that primitive societies who may howl at the moon, perform ritual dances, or beat the collective breast, are on the right track. They are, say experts, dealing with one of the most difficult aspects of living, with a wisdom that is often missing in more sophisticated societies.

Now, Mrs. Flo Robinson is organising a series of seminars which will deal with specific issues related to surviving and recovering from the death of a spouse, relative or friend. The four sessions will be hosted by the Church of the Nazarene, in Smith's Parish.

"The church wants to reach out in the community. There are, in particular, children in Bermuda who have been orphaned by AIDS and this problem is likely to increase. We decided to hold the seminars in January because so often, deaths seem to occur around the Christmas season and, of course, the holidays are, in any case, a very bad time for people who have had a loss.'' Mrs. Robinson, who has a BA in psychology, a Masters in theology, and was formerly the agency director for the Mental Health Association of Napa County in California, is concerned that dealing with grief is still misunderstood and largely neglected in Bermuda.

"We have just recently had several deaths at the Church of the Nazarene, people ranging in age from mid-20's to their 80's and 90's. This is what really made me think about the whole grieving process. When I discussed the idea of holding seminars with our pastor, David Long, he was very supportive.'' Mrs. Robinson, who married former Hamilton Docks manager, Mr. Jack Robinson two years ago, says that it was not until she experienced the death of a second person who was very close to her, that she sought help to get through the grieving process.

"I remember the first time around, when my dad died, none of us in the family were prepared, even though he had been in bad health for some time. It's not enough to just accept the fact of someone's death, we have to realise that this involves a proper process.'' According to Mrs. Robinson, this may take anywhere from three to five years.

"I then lost a very close friend to cancer and I went for counselling because, by then, I realised that I just didn't know how to grieve. I didn't even really understand that it's OK to grieve, that it's natural.'' One of the problems in today's society, believes Mrs. Robinson, is that we are expected to indulge our feelings of grief -- but for a limited time. One of the ironies of bereavement, she says, is that people receive lots of support immediately after the death, but after a few weeks, we are expected to get on with our normal lives.

"When our friends think we should be pulling ourselves together is the very time that we often fall apart. It often takes a long time for the fact of death to sink in.'' Another problem is that people are embarrassed by death, "they don't really know what to say to someone who has suffered a bereavement,'' she points out.

Mrs. Robinson says that there are distinct stages of grief: "As Robert Kavanaugh discusses in his book, Facing Death, these are initial shock, disorganisation and confusion, volatile emotions and even guilt.'' All of these emotions, she says, are heightened if the death is sudden, or violent.

"The grief process involves acceptance and acknowledgement, to allow ourselves to feel, then to detach and reconstruct our lives. We may know all this intellectually, but it can be extremely difficult and painful to carry out.'' Some of the problems are practical ones.

"We are expected to deal with things like Wills, and banks. It can be a shock to find out that the accounts are suddenly all tied up! Life seems to come to a complete standstill when someone close to us dies. So we don't want to eat, exercise, or to take care of ourselves. And people who go through a long, terminal illness become mentally and physically exhausted. Then, of course, there is the spiritual aspect.'' Mrs. Robinson believes that everyone is affected, spiritually, by the loss of a loved one.

"I think Pastor Long, who has trained in pastoral care, which includes bereavement issues, will address such things as `Where is God in grief?' Can the church help us come to terms with our loss? Can faith help us through this process?' Even those,'' she adds, "who don't go to church tend to ask things like, `Why do bad things happen to good people?' and `Where is God when it hurts?'' The first seminar, on January 15, will focus on the emotional issues related to grief and will be presented by Mr. Dan Rachlin, staff psychologist with the US Naval Base. On January 22, barrister Mr. Harry Kessaram will discuss the legal issues that arise. On January 29, Pastor David Long will address the spiritual issues. And on February 5, Dr. Marion Watlington will speak on the medical and physical aspects of death and grief. The seminars, which are free and open to anyone in the community who has recently lost a loved one, will take place at the church from 9 a.m. to 10 30 a.m., with a question and answer period to follow.

At the conclusion of the seminars, a six-week grief and recovery support group is planned to help those who have attended the seminar to work through the pain of loss. For more information, telephone 297-0428 or 236-0227.

A TIME TO GRIEVE -- Mrs. Flo Robinson has organised a series of seminars on bereavement, hosted by the Church of the Nazarene.