-- short of throwing up some flashing neon arrows -- may be to write your own travel guide.

In the new Insight Pocket Guide to Bermuda, which was penned by local writer Mr. David Raine, the longtime resident positively gushes about the Bridge House Art Gallery and Craft Shop in St. George's.

Among the Bridge House attractions that the writer points out are "the most diverse selection of arts and crafts'' on the Island, the "friendly and helpful'' staff and the "splendid selection'' of Bermudiana. He also informs readers that the proprietors were "pioneers'' in the business.

Mr. Raine is so enthusiastic in his endorsement, in fact, that it seems odd he should leave out one important detail -- the fact that he and his wife co-own the gallery.

Perhaps the Raines are as modest as they are friendly and helpful.

*** On the subject of the Insight guide, has Government re-zoned a number of well-known residences and forgotten to tell anyone? The people that drew up the map that accompanies the book apparently think so, listing a slew of Tucker's Town homesteads as non-private gathering spots.

One of them, for example, is Pink Chimneys, which joins such landmarks the Bermuda Cathedral and Gibb's Hill Lighthouse under the heading of "public buildings''.

Others include Blue Horizons, Fiddler's Green and Caliban, which rank with Flatts Village on the map as "places''.

Okay, Caliban could be regarded as a "place'' on the strength of its status as one of the homes of US political gadfly Mr. Ross Perot, who is an attraction in himself.

But the owners of the other homes are sincerely advised to look into their properties' classification -- unless, of course, they like busloads of visitors tramping across their lawns.

*** Anyone who ventured behind the scenes at the Bermuda Tattoo could have been excused if they thought they had stumbled across some sort of paramilitary exercise.

According to Capt. Barritt Dill, the Bermuda Regiment's director of music, some Tattoo musicians achieved the requisite cannon fire during a playing of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture by lobbing a number of pineapple grenades in the air.

"We wanted something brilliant,'' Capt. Dill explained. "The pineapple is very similar to a thunder flash. It's just a variation of anything else we might have used.'' Contrary to rumour, Capt. Dill added, the grenades were not last-minute improvisations on ammunition that had failed to reach the Island. He also stressed that the pineapples were perfectly safe.

*** If the medium is the message, a VSB Radio report this week does not say much for the progress of women in Bermuda.

The report featured Women's Advisory Council chairman (chairwoman?) Ms JoCarol Robinson saying the Council would make sure the rights of women were front and centre on Government's agenda in the current Parliamentary session.

VSB underlined the need for action by referring to women as "the fairer sex''.

*** Is there a price war between two of Front Street's leading stores? In Tuesday's Royal Gazette a large advertisement heralded two "discount days'' at Trimingham's.

"10% OFF TRIMDAYS'' it proclaimed in bold capitals. In only slightly smaller print it went on, "Another V-I-P Shopping Privilege For Our Valued Charge Account Customers Only''.

Not to be outdone, Smith's joined the fray yesterday, announcing "Pre-Christmas Savings Day Today!'' Throwing financial elitism to the winds, however, Smith's was offering a discount to all of its shoppers, with or without a charge card.

In a bright red slash, it announced a discount of not ten, but "15% Off''. In the same eye-dazzling red, it urged: "DON'T GET TRIMMED -- SAVE MORE AT SMITH'S''.

*** One of the most embarrassing experiences for a woman is to turn up at an event and find someone else wearing exactly the same outfit.

But what about advertisers in a similar situation? There must have been some very red faces at two major department stores this week when they opened Tuesday's newspaper and saw each had run a big, splashy ad just one page apart featuring the identical wool coat.

Even more excruciating was the knowledge that one store had priced the coat higher than the other! And they say it pays to advertise.