Thanks to the wonders of merchandising, children and wives are once more wrestling with the annual problem of Father's Day gifts.

From now until closing time on Saturday, stores will be crowded with shoppers looking for that special something to honour the man whom they either call dad or to whom they gave 50 percent co-operation towards the title.

Whether the booty is purchased with hard-earned pocket money or a lien on the family chequing account is irrelevant. More important is that the Whiskered One should be able to rip his way through expensive wrapping, fluffy bows and mushy cards on Sunday morning to find a gift or three which effectively says, "Thanks to a wonderful guy.'' Indeed, for one glorious day in June He Who'd Like to be Obeyed is god, and must be suitably worshipped.

In the few seconds it takes him to read them, cards will tell Dad he's lovable, cherished, admired, great, super -- in short, a Hallmark hero.

Gift wrap will then reinforce this generic concept of heroic masculinity.

Never mind that the only boat Dad's stepped on is junior's, carelessly left in the middle of the darkened bathroom floor. Forget that the only racket he knows about doesn't swat balls. Or that his conventional Japanese jalopy is as far removed from a Formula One Ferrari as he is from the kitchen sink.

Those artsy folk who design masculine wrappings believe that sleek ocean racers, space-age tennis racquets, and Indy 500 cars are synonymous with what make this domestic doyen tick.

While the macho window dressing is all very well, the real nitty-gritty is the gifts it conceals.

How, exactly, do Dad's benefactors arrive at their choices? Did they recall his thinly disguised disappointment at Christmastime when he opened yet another flagon of after-shave, his umpteenth ugly tie, and the obligatory dull socks, and resolve to be different? Or had they arrived, blank-minded, in some male-oriented department, hoping a savvy salesman would rise above his aching feet and instinctively recommend the perfect gift for a total stranger? Probably neither of the above, for those skilled in persuasion have already stepped in to head off potential disasters.

Welcome to the world of advertising -- a milieu where creative minds translate into consumer desire those items merchandise directors, buyers and other in-store experts want pushed in the media.

It is not an exact science of course, but it works, particularly for major $pending $prees like Father's Day.

And what do the experts recommend? How do their choices compare to those for Mother's Day? Are they reflective of modern-day thinking, or potential causes celebre for feminists like Gloria Steinem? "Taste'' began the search for answers with an informal comparison study between Mother's and Father's Day advertisements in The Royal Gazette.

In the era of working parents, equality of the sexes, human rights and all the rest, Bermuda appears to be stuck fast in the pre-dawn of domestic correctness.

For Mother's Day, gift suggestions (clothing and toiletries excepted) included: bread machines, mixers, cappuccino machines, sewing machines, washing machines, dryers, refrigerators, freezers, stoves, toaster ovens, microwaves, steamers, pruning shears, garden tools, watering cans, gardening gloves, flower pots, potting soil and mulch. Yes, mulch! In joyous June, however, suggestions for Father's Day (clothing and toiletries excepted) include: Recliners, sofas, easy chairs, televisions with remote (of course), videos, beach chairs, tennis racquets, golf clubs, golf shoes, golf slippers, hats and books, lilos, coolers, yachting jackets, golf umbrellas, rain suits, camping gear, swim gear, fans, outdoor furniture, massagers, exercise machines, juggling balls, barbecues and related paraphernalia, talking clocks, crystal glasses and champagne bottle stoppers.

Does this blatant distinction between rewards for Mrs. Perpetuum Mobile and Lord Leisure bother anyone? Is it right? A hangover from the Stone Age? Or "just the way things are?'' The answers depend on whom you talk to -- if you get answers, that is.

When presented with the evidence, one advertising executive countered: "It has always intrigued me that all the restaurants in Bermuda get absolutely sold out for Mother's Day, yet Father's Day goes by without even an increase in reservations.'' To which a female marketing/buyer/designer responded: "Of course there are more Mother's Day brunches. The whole idea is to get women out of the damned kitchen. Men don't have to get out of the kitchen because they're never in it!'' The advertising executive also felt that whereas "a lot of gifts'' were sold for Mother's Day, only tie racks did a brisk business in June.

"Father's Day is a blip on a curve,'' he contended.

And how did he account for the disparity in gift suggestions? "I'm afraid it's nothing to do with male/female roles,'' he said. "It's more about perceptions of what those roles are. Mothers are always perceived as frenetic and hard-working while dad is viewed as sedentary, no matter how hard he works.'' Another advertising executive was a little less circumspect. Asked how he felt about kitchen appliances being recommended for mothers versus recliners for dads, he said: "Women rule the kitchen and men expect that.'' While the interviewer recovered her breath, he continued: "Women talk about equality but the reality is that they still like certain things and men still like certain things. "I know for a fact I'm not going to buy a stove. The ultimate decision is my wife's because she cooks more than me. When it comes to a shaver, however, I'll pick my own.

While certain items, like refrigerators, are non-sexist, men would be insulted to see them promoted for them. It's a crazy scenario.'' Why did he think fun and leisure items were exclusively advertised for men? "Father's Day is so we can get spoiled a little. It's the only aspect of today's sexist world we can enjoy,'' he responded.

So should women complain about the disparity in gift suggestions between Mother's Day and Father's Day? "Women who feel strongly about something complain and changes are made.

Men take the attitude, `If women aren't complaining they're happy','' he said.

Move now to the female merchandising director of a large store which advertises recliners for dad but never for mum.

"Recliners for women? I don't have an answer for you,'' she admitted. "It may be something we could try now that you've brought it to my attention. I think it's an interesting angle. I think we could be a little less sexist in our ads.'' The buyer/designer was similarly intrigued.

"I've been in this business 20 years and recliners have always been oriented towards men. It just shows you how conditioned we are,'' she said.

Asked how she felt about the disparity between work- and leisure-related gifts for mums and dads, she said: "I think it's terrible, but I've never thought about it before. Mind you, I told my husband, `If you ever give me an appliance for Mother's Day you'll get it right back'.'' A women's activist, wife and mother, had a similar reaction.

"I found it very offensive when I was given a toaster instead of the diamond ring I was expecting!'' she said. "Marketing directors and advertising people need to educate dealers about what is going on rather than let them keep on advertising the same things year after year. I think they have a responsibility to educate the general public, otherwise we're never going to get anywhere. They can be very influential.'' But there is some good news for the likes of Mrs. Activist.

An enlightened senior executive said his department store has always made a point of marketing "the same sort of items for both sexes: wallets, ties/scarves, perfume/after-shave''.

While conceding we had a point about the general tendency to advertise work-related gifts for mother and leisure gifts for dad, he said: "We make a point of concentrating on really personal items for both. A recliner is nice but it's not 100-percent personal, whereas jewellery, watches, ties, toiletries and so forth are.'' To be fair, it is not all sexism and stereotyping which drives retailers and advertising staff.

"A lot of things are traditional. What we put in our ads comes from sales analyses and what has happened in the past. We tend to pick out what seem to be the important things and push those. Whether this is a chicken and egg thing we really don't know,'' the marketing director explained.

"The bottom line is these are the things that sell,'' the advertising executive agreed. "When you try to do it the other way around, you find the world is still sexist. We talk about equality but the reality is we haven't gone that far.'' TALE OF TWO DAYS -- As these ads show, the notion of equality of the sexes has yet to enter local retailers' minds. For dad, above, all sorts of fun toys to play with, while mom should be content with things to keep her cooking, cleaning and planting. Tsk, task, tsk . . .