heavy education spending, is so myopic and conservative it could easily pass for something direct from the UBP's pen. But that's just Hester's humble opinion! Having pored over it with her specs, she thought it odd, firstly, that a Labour Government would make cuts in important areas like housing assistance -- which will see a slash in funds of $500,000, while the social assistance grant fell $122,000. She also found it odd that Madame Premier , with her artistic talents and heavy involvement in the local arts and cultural scene would cut funding in that area too. And Hester hears the betrayal hasn't gone unnoticed among members of the local Arts Council and National Gallery.

One angry arts official said the council is constantly inundated with requests from local art students for funding for projects and courses, but never has the cash. Now it will have even less with $15,000 being knocked off its measly $175,000 grant, most of which automatically goes to the Menuhin Society, and ten grand chopped off the Gallery's grant. The most ridiculous thing, though, is that we've all pretty much acknowledged a traffic congestion crisis -- that's why multi-million-dollar fast ferries are on the way isn't it? -- so why on earth are we yet again increasing bus and ferry fares by as much as 50 cents to $1 more? However, to get to the meat of what's between the lines, Hester noticed our busy $93,000-salary-a-year Madame Premier slipped an extra $40,000 into the Cabinet budget for a fulltime housekeeper for her new official residence in Devonshire, The Laurels. (That's right, there are some things The Colonel doesn't do), while on top of this, an extra $48,000 has been allotted for the "hospitality budget'' at Camden, which is actually the Official Official Residence.

Now the PLP may feel able to justify some of this extra money -- having slashed $84,000 from the Government Ministers' travel budget. But not so fast! It did not escape Hester's eagle eyes that this is only an appearance of a savings because last year the revised Budget almost doubled the money available for Ministers' travel. To spell it out, last year, $313,000 was budgeted for Ministers' travel but was later revised to $602,000! With all these little extras, Hester thinks it's high time the Government of the day comes clean and had one of its dutiful civil servants draw up remuneration packages for all MPs to realistically reflect their spending habits/requirements so the public can see exactly where their tax dollars are going.

One thing that ought to have been in this year's Budget was funding for much-needed upgrades to our ageing law courts, especially given the increasingly large numbers of people that are filing into the tiny Magistrates' Court building these days with motorcycle cops on a major prowl for traffic offenders.

Normally law abiding, Hester had to pay some parking tickets (again) on a rainy day this week. On her way in, she was shocked to see a senior staffer dragging a large trash can through the lobby and strategically situate it to catch water pouring through a leak in the roof. Hester recalls that on a previous visit to Magistrates Court only last autumn, she saw virtually the same spectacle. Hester is well aware there are plans in the works for a new courthouse, but let's be realistic, it will be probably be the middle of the decade before anyone turns the key on the new Police Station/Judicial Building.

Hester admits that she picks on embattled BTC . But it's happened again. This time the Bermuda Telephone Company has plumbed new depths of incompetence.

Hester's friend has now waited nearly six months for engineers to flick a switch to activate her phone line. BTC engineers twice failed to show up for scheduled appointments to turn on the line -- and didn't even bother to let her know! All this after, knowing the legendary inefficiency of BTC, her friend's landlord installed a line from their house upstairs, fitted a phone, secured a number and notified the company last September that the tenant would be moving in in December. The landlord figured more than three month's notice was surely long enough even for bungling BTC.

Alas, the engineers failed to show up in December. The customer was offered a new date of February 22. "Don't worry,'' added the BTC rep, "It'll be fitted long before that. We just need a date for the computer.'' Luckily, Hester's friend didn't count on them showing up early either! So, a week before February 22, the customer called just to make sure the appointment was still on. "Oh definitely,'' said the BTC rep. Still suspicious, she called again the day before because she was taking a whole day off work, only to be told this time that no one knew anything about it.

The reason? "Cable failure?'' -- whatever that means. However, when contacted, the engineer in charge said the date had never been logged with him anyway. And funnily enough, he knew nothing about "cable failure'' in the area. The BTC rep was also adamant the customer had been "called'' to inform her of the cancellation. Called on what?! Hester finds it hilarious that Bermuda boasts about being a leader in e-commerce. Imagine what would happen to BTC if it ever had any real competition.

While she's at it, her other favourite third world company, Bermuda Cablevision , has quietly taken another popular channel off the air because it apparently doesn't want to cough up the cash for the rights to show it (the first to go was VH1...and there will be more Hester hears).

The excellent Nickelodeon kids channel has been pulled and replaced with something called Discovery Kids. But there's one major problem. Most of the time, peak hours anyway, it's in Spanish. Last time she checked, our children were having enough difficulty mastering English, let alone Espanol.

But anyway, Hester is really looking forward to her cable bill going down since she is now getting two fewer channels than she signed up for. Surely Bermuda Cablevision isn't expecting customers to pay the same rate for some sub-standard food channel and a Spanish-language children's channel? Ah well, Adios Cablevision, buenos dias, DirecTV.

The identity of The Royal Gazette's Hester is -- naturally -- somewhere in the top secret range normally accorded to the whereabouts of the Royal Navy's nuclear subs. But -- thankfully for Hester in some ways -- people will talk and the hot topic in at least one international business premises is "Who the heck is Hester?'' One high-ranking exempted company executive revealed to a chum of Hester's recently, in a most serious tone, that they had been "reliably assured'' that The Gazette's gossip goddess was none other than Madame Premier herself! As if that was not preposterous enough, one talkative member of the much-reduced UBP team is absolutely convinced it's former Royal Gazette Editor David White. It is, of course, most certainly neither! Now Hester likes games as much as the next girl and some have suggested holding a competition to guess her identity. The problem is deciding on a prize: A foot rub from The Colonel , a ride in Alex Scott's new Peugeot or three hours with de Silver Fox -- who has scored the news scoop of the year in having Madame Premier all to himself on his so-called People's Talk Show at 1 p.m. this afternoon -- all come to mind. But how about a service call from BTC ? That's a prize worth its weight in gold.

The island's cultural world was agog this week at whispered news of the capricious behaviour of one of the world's most famous classical performers -- and right here in Bermuda. You may think of Hester as a flighty old girl, but she does enjoy attending the concerts and dramatic presentations put on locally by the Bermuda Festival each year. Festival fixture, The English Chamber Orchestra , returned this year, and this time, to everybody's excitement, the world famous conductor and violinist Pinchas Zukerman was set to join them as guest conductor on Sunday and Monday. However, the thrill of the ECO's performance of Vivaldi's Four Seasons, even with Mr. Zukerman's most amazing violin solos, very nearly paled in comparison to the buzz generated by his behaviour. To begin with, Hester can reveal, a commercial airline apparently was not acceptable to this maestro and he snobbishly insisted on flying in by private jet. ECO was forced to contend with yet more of the great man's mercurial behaviour when he chose to arrive two days late, finally getting here only on the afternoon of the first performance. After the orchestra was left twiddling their thumbs for two days -- hopefully on one of our lovely beaches, Mr. Zukerman left them almost no time for rehearsal! And to add insult to injury, he announced he was completely changing the programme! As Hester attended Sunday evening's performance she can report the evening's line up remained unchanged....but for the second night, all his solos were ominously moved to the first half -- perhaps in preparation for the mad maestro's rapid departure! Hester has learned no sooner had he left the podium, baton still steaming, that he leapt aboard his jet and zoomed off for parts unknown. In the process he committed an incredible breach of etiquette by blowing off a black tie Government House do -- put on solely in his honour.

Needless to say, the Guv was not pleased.