Abuse is a thief in the night, destroying, plundering, and devastating its victims.

It causes damage, destruction, emotional and physical pain, severe loss, and disfiguration, and leaves lasting scars.

Abuse can creep into a relationship slowly or verbally, as humiliating comments or devastating criticism.

Or it can enter a relationship swiftly or physically: a shove through a door, or a knife slashing through your skin. Abuse can be open and in-your-face or it can be subtle and devious. Abuse betrays love, ends trust, and destroys life.

As common as abuse is, many people are unsure whether they are being abused -- and many do not know what to do even if they surround a relationship and make freedom seem impossible; yet abuse can be stopped, and freedom from abuse can be attained.

If you are victimised by abuse in your relationship, the seven steps in this article can set you free. Each step contains important information to guide you on your individual path toward freedom.

These seven steps are not easy, but you can accomplish them. They require you to question yourself and your relationship. They may require change, and facing danger. Taking these steps will bring you to freedom from your abuse.

Step 1 -- Recognising Abusive Behaviour This step is essential to freeing yourself from abuse. Although some abuse is obvious, other abuse is subtle and can be difficult to identify. Does your partner call you names? Does your partner threaten suicide when you attempt to leave? Are you denied access to information about finances? If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you are in an abusive relationship.

Recognizing and identifying abuse is the first step toward freeing yourself from its damage and to becoming abuse-free.

Step 2 -- Learning About Abusers and Victims How can you know if someone you are starting to date or care for will be abusive? People who abuse others have certain characteristics and attitudes that become apparent with time, although they may hide these initially. People who abuse often have tendencies toward selfishness, a lack of empathy for others, and a distorted sense of self-importance. They may shower victims with attention and flattery in an attempt to hide their abusive patterns. They often display an outward appearance of confidence and outspokenness that covers personal insecurities, fears, and anxieties.

What type of person is a victim of abuse? Do they look or act certain ways? Do they come from certain cultures or groups? Why do they stay stay in or return to abusive relationships? Victims of abuse come from all walks of life. They may be from any age, race, religion, culture, sexual orientation, socioeconomic background, or geographical group.

Physical Abuse Centre Statistics show that many victims of abuse come from middle-class families and are successful career people.

Step 3 -- Preparing for Emergencies Police are available to stop the violence or abuse; The Physical Abuse Centre is available if you and your children need a "safe place'' to go in the event that an altercation takes place; The Women's Resource Centre is available if you choose to seek legal advice concerning your rights and options.

Free yourself from abuse Knowing the information before it arises can be vital for your safety and well-being.

Step 4 -- Getting Help After a Crisis After a violent crisis, victims may need emergency or temporary housing, childcare, daycare, transportation, money, employment, continued medical and dental care, and help getting personal records and forms together. Social services agencies can help with funds for medical assistance or food, utilities, and rent deposits for new places to live.

Church groups often help provide assistance with funds, food, donations of clothing, children's toys, small household goods, etc.

In addition The Physical Abuse Centre (PAC) shelter, the PAC hotline, the PAC six-week Counselling Programme and the PAC Support Groups are available to help domestic violence victims. Our services offered are confidential.

Step 5 -- Making the Decision to Stay or Leave Am I safe enough in this relationship to take time to examine the relationship, or do I need to leave now? Am I denying or minimising the danger I face? Should I get professional help or support.

Ask yourself questions like these to evaluate your relationship and see what options you have for the future. Your first priority is to ensure your immediate safety. Once that is done, you can take time to make decisions about your future.

Ask yourself questions like these to evaluate your relationship and see what options you have for the future. Your first priority is to ensure your immediate safety. Once that is done, you can take time to make decisions about your future.

You may want a professional counsellor to help you with this process.

Relationship counsellors with knowledge about domestic violence can discuss patterns of abusive behaviour and can help you be realistic about your level of danger, and whether the abusive behaviour is likely to stop.

Step 6 -- Learning to Heal and Rebuild Even after a victim has left an abuser, abuse often continues toward children or the victim. If your abuse has stopped, you can begin to heal. However, if you continue to be battered through court fights, custody battles, harm to your children, stalking, physical abuse, or threats, your healing will be stalled or slower. Healing is accelerated as abuse lessens.

If you are healing, you may need to make important decisions while you are still in the process of grieving. You may need to move, find a new home, or a new job. You may need to enroll your children in new schools and help them join new activities, make new friends, and find new support systems. You may need to do this while you are still struggling with your grief.

Step 7 -- Remaining Abuse-Free If you want to remain free from abuse, you will need to work for your freedom.

To increase your chances of remaining safe, some of your daily practices may need to change. You will need to become educated about abuse, request or demand your legal rights, and use caution in new relationships.

It is necessary to be realistic about how much help the law will give you.

Many abusers refuse to stop their abuse until they are jailed. If you have been abused and continue to be abused, it will be your responsibility to use your knowledge and persistence to get the law to punish your abuser.

Although abuse is complex, the way out is easier when you follow these seven steps. By taking one step at a time, you will learn information and gain strength that can help you take the next one. You can make changes at your own pace with information that your abuser does not have -- information that is vital when you seek help.

The steps need to be taken with caution, with your safety and your children's safety uppermost in your mind. As you follow these steps, you will become more aware of choices that are available to you -- and you will learn how to become free and remain free from abuse.

If you are in a relationship that is confusing, or if you wonder whether your partner is abusive, please answer the questions that follow. If you answer yes to any of these, 292-4366 or 297-8278 for help.

Are You Being Abused? Are you afraid to challenge your partner's opinion? Do you accept blame for your partner's actions? Are you apologetic for your partner's behaviour? Do you blame yourself for a bad relationship? Are you afraid of your partner's temper? Does your partner hit you? Does your partner criticise what you do and how you look? Do you question your sanity? Does your partner concern you about your children's treatment? Do you feel restricted from seeing friends or family? Are you forced to have sex in ways you do not want? Nina Jones PAC Counsellor HEALTH HTH