Here at The Physical Abuse Centre, working with men and women who have battered and men/women who have been battered, we recognise that the intimate relationship usually changes after violence occurs. Intimacy after a violent episode is common. A man often believes that if he is intimate after being violent, his partner will see how sorry he is or how much he really loves her and will forgive him for the violence. He may believe that the tenderness that he expresses makes amends for his abuse. On the other side of the coin, for many women (PAC) clients, being intimate after an assault she may submit out of fear of further violence. The experience, however, is often degrading and lacking tender or intimate feelings. Other women are confused by intimate expressions following a violent episode. They hope for the relationship to be made right. They want to be intimate and feel loved. The following story is about a woman who sought the assistance if The Physical Abuse Centre (PAC). As she explains, her intimate relationship with her pattern was a mixture of violence and confusion.

*** "To me, it's the ultimate in control when a man wants to be intimate with you after he has beaten you. I think my partner had this strange way of equating intimacy with negative attitudes about women, basically that a woman's function was to `please' her man. It was all very confusing for me.

Here this man beats me and then he's making love to me. "My partner raped me many times, although I'm not sure he saw it that way. Sometimes when he had friends over he would make derogatory intimate comments about me. I felt humiliated and violated. "When we were making love and I responded in a certain way, he would become abusive and beat me unmercifully. He would accuse me of sleeping around, and practising with other partners because of the way I responded. This was traumatising; to get beat right after making love. "Since going to PAC, I left my partner, and I've not been intimate. I was dating this guy and the issue of intimacy came up and these old memories came up and I got frightened. That part of me has really been damaged. But with the help of the PAC counsellor, I realise that I have the right to be angry over past abuse.

But at the same time, my present partner is not responsible for that past abuse. I must leave that part of my life in the past where it belongs, and I pray that God will forgive him for what he put me through.'' *** To Our Readers: If you are still with someone who you have abused, it is important that you listen to your partner's concerns and respect what they need. They may feel distant or may not feel like engaging in an intimate way because of what has gone on in the past. If he/she needs time, honour their request without making them feel guilty or pressuring them in any way. They can take a long time to heal. Guilt or pressure will only reinforce his/her pain and distrust.

The Physical Abuse Centre is a part of the Family Resource network, which consists of The Coalition for The Protection of Children, The Institute of Child & Family Health, P.A.R.E.N.T.S. and The Father's Resource Centre. The agencies joined in 1998 to better serve Bermuda's families with a common goal and shared vision.

HEALTH HTH