Question: After caring for my two step-grandchildren (ages six and seven, a brother and sister) over a four-day period, I became very impatient with them because they were continually fighting, scrapping and hurting each other, and they were also in continuous competition saying, "I want to be first." They did well together part of the time, but I started to resent their fighting and rivalry. I also resented the fact that my husband and I had taken time from work to babysit (my husband is their biological grandfather); however, I felt it was I who was doing most of the caring for the kids.

I was very upset with myself for feeling these negative emotions toward the children, because I do love them very much and they are fairly good kids who are just acting normal, I guess. I felt like the "bad guy" and got little support from my husband.

What could I have done differently to avoid negative feelings toward my step-grandchildren?

Answer: There are at least two issues you need to cope with if you're going to enjoy caring for your grandchildren. First you need to recognise your grandchildren may not enjoy having you babysit for them. They probably prefer their parents, and that's a good thing. Only after you've done it a few times and have had fun together will they want you to come back. In order for you to make this time enjoyable, you'll have to plan some special activities. You can play games, go on excursions and each of you can do special one-on-one activities with each of the children as well. Baking cookies and letting them lick the beaters or teaching them crafts is usually a hit with children. Visiting a museum and taking them to movies count as adventures. When children are bored they're more likely to fight, so it's important to keep them busy.

The second issue relates to their biological grandfather. Some grandfathers are naturals at entertaining children, while others never played much with their own children and left that to their wives. If your husband isn't accustomed to participating, you'll need to discuss beforehand the kind of help you want and give him some of the responsibilities. He may also have suggestions once you introduce your concerns. On the other hand, if he doesn't want to participate, and you're not eager to do this either, you don't have to volunteer to care for the children unless there's a family emergency.

I would encourage you to structure your visits together and plan some fun activities so you can gradually develop a wonderful relationship with these children. Most grandparents acknowledge that the beauty of grandparenting, in contrast to parenting, is that you can enthusiastically love your visits with grandchildren, but you also can love to leave them and return to the quieter adult life to which you've become accustomed.

Question: I'm writing concerning my 14-year-old son. I'm worried about what I perceive to be his excessive concern with being exactly like everyone else in his peer group. Although his friends are wonderful kids, I wish he were more comfortable being himself. Instead, he's often preoccupied with every tiny thing that might set him apart, down to what water bottle he's using. When he's out in public with us he's very obviously uncomfortable and agitated. If we talk to him in front of his friends, he gets very angry. Most of his friends are close to their parents and are very respectful. I understand a certain amount of wanting to fit in is normal, but what can I do to help him build self-confidence in being his own unique person? He's in high school this year and any ideas would be helpful.

Answer: Many an adolescent proclaims that a parent is embarrassing, so don't feel too alone with this problem. You may not fit the image of a "cool" mom to some of his friends; but on the other hand, they may view you as being "cooler" than their moms. You may be stricter or set higher expectations for your son, or maybe you're not different at all, but he thinks you are.

Your son is at the age where kids typically feel extreme pressure to fit in, and it isn't necessarily because he lacks confidence. On the other hand, asking him to be his own unique person can backfire as well, if he interprets that as needing to be different from everyone else. In my book "Growing Up Too Fast: The Rimm Report on the Secret World of America's Middle Schoolers" (Rodale, 2005), there's a section on teaching kids to think about when it's best to conform and when it's important to be independent and different. The most important component of that is thinking before they act and considering the values implied in their actions. For example, dressing just like their friends in a particular, reasonable style can be fun and appropriate, but joining other kids in taunting another person is bullying and is definitely wrong, despite peer pressure.

Encouraging adolescents to take time to think about whether or not to conform isn't easy because the rapid pace of peer pressure doesn't leave much time for thoughtfulness. If you can discuss the issue alone with your son it may help him to sort through that whole conformity versus nonconformity issue. Perhaps you could give him some examples of appropriate conformity and nonconformity, and you could convince him to give you examples based on observations of his friends. His examples would provide you with a sense of his concerns and worries as well.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and paediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com.

Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, Wisconsin 53094, USA or srimm@sylviarimm.com