One night Maxine DeSilva stood over her husband and contemplated whether to kill him or herself she'd been caught up in a bad marriage for more than ten years.

"I went to kill him in his sleep," Ms DeSilva said. "I had the knife in my hand. I can relate to people who get into such a frenzy. That is not my personality. That is when I heard a voice say within me 'it is time to let him go'."

The Bermudian author chronicles her journey back from a hellish marriage in a new book called 'He Promised Me Heaven But Gave Me Hell'. The book was published by Vine Creations House Publishers (Bermuda).

And while many locally published books languish on the shelves for long periods of time, Ms DeSilva is already ordering more copies to sell.

"A lot of women have said, 'gee, I can relate to that. I have to buy a copy'," she said. "A couple of men have said they had also been abused. They say 'my wife took me through the wringer, but nobody knows'."

Ms DeSilva said she went through emotional rather than physical abuse.

"It was never physical," she said. "It was mental abuse, and they say that is the worst kind. That is the kind where you can have a breakdown or strike out and kill them, or kill yourself. There were a lot of put-downs, and a lot of adultery.

"He started coming home with his underpants on backwards. It took me a long time to work out what was going on. Sometimes he had lipstick on his underpants.

"That is my story. It is not glory. I want to help other women understand that they don't have to have a breakdown, kill themselves or kill him."

She said statistics have shown that one out of three women have been abused.

"Most of them either have a nervous breakdown from stress, try to commit suicide or kill the abuser," she said. "I have experienced all three.

"I thought maybe I could help some other women so they don't have to go through what I went through."

She urged others to look beyond a man's physical façade, before they committed themselves to a relationship.

"I try to tell other young girls coming up, you need to find out how a man acts under pressure before you marry him," she said. "They show you all the good parts when they are onstage, but look at how he handles his money how does he make it and spend it?

"Find out how he treats his mother. All these things you need to find out. But often, women don't. We just say 'Oh, he is handsome and I love him'.

"People don't check the background. I know friends who didn't check and the man turned out to be HIV positive. All they see is a handsome young guy."

Like the words from an old Kenny Rogers country music song, she said it was best to "know when to hold them and when to fold them".

"You have to know when to go," she said. "If I had killed him I would have been in prison. Who would have brought up my three children?

"I had to stay long enough, not knowing that I would have a story. A lot of people never let their story out, but the act of repression could cause a mental breakdown.

"That is why people go to St. Brendan's [Mid-Atlantic Wellness Institute] and stay up there. They don't tell and act like everything is fine."

The idea of writing the book came to her three years ago, after her children had been through college and were out on their own.

"I was still living pay cheque to pay cheque," said Ms DeSilva. She worked for a long time as a waitress in a hotel, but now works for Government. "I thought there must be something else I could do before I retired that could make me successful.

"I turned on the television and this man said, 'everything you need for success is within you'."

The words resonated deeply with Ms DeSilva.

"I thought 'what is it within me that could make me successful'. I heard a voice say, 'tell your story.

"A lot of women have also been through it but are afraid to talk about it'."

Although she had no prior experience she immediately sat down and began writing out her story by hand as she had no computer.

"Writing the book was a painful experience," she said. "A few times I had to put it down for a week, but I would have to get back to it.

"The process of writing... it did help me to heal. I had to learn to forgive the people who abused me.

"After I forgave him my life took on a different turn. Bitterness can make you sick. A lot of people hold it on the inside. I was halfway through writing it, and I thought, 'I don't have a title'.

"When I was married, whenever people would ask me about my husband, I would always say, 'oh, that man promised me heaven and gave me hell'. I thought that had to be the title."

She turned to her church for her help when the situation was at its worst.

"The only thing that helped me was my church," she said. "I found strength in my faith, but I think the people at my church didn't know what to say.

"I don't think they saw a situation like that before. The other woman was in the church too.

"It was my faith in God that brought me through. I would go to church sometimes and the minister would preach a sermon that I needed.

"Or they would sing a song that was a healing song to my spirit. My mother, Lillian Alick, was my biggest encouragement. She has passed away now."

Ms DeSilva said she did not write the book for revenge or vindictiveness. "This book is not to lay the blame on anyone," she said. "It is to help someone else."

The author wants to continue using her experiences and said she is interested in volunteering with local organisations that help people in abusive relationships. The book, 'He Promised Me Heaven and Gave Me Hell' is on sale at the Heritage Worship Centre, at 59 Dundonald Street, and bookstores around the Island.