Don’t enter a relationship before you really get to know your partner and yourself — that’s the word from Melodye Micere Van Putten.

The author and educator will be putting on a two-hour workshop this weekend called “Friendships Before Relationships” aimed at helping people understand their values, beliefs, standards and goals so they can better spot when the right person comes along.

Mrs Van Putten gave a shorter version of the presentation at the popular “Dream Big” event, featuring former NFL player and motivational speaker Trent Shelton.

The feedback from her presentation was so positive she decided she would host a more in-depth two hour workshop for anyone interested.

Her plan is to provide a safe space so that people are challenged to look at themselves honestly, how they may have contributed to the failure of any past relationships and what they can do better to ensure it’s more successful the next time around.

Mrs Van Putten said: “The key part of this workshop is knowing yourself and your values and being clear about your priorities before trying to get into a relationship. My underlying message is ‘If you can’t do you, you can’t do him’.

“That idea developed into a two hour workshop of getting mainly women, but some men as well, through some of those things I feel are important about knowing yourself.”

Mrs Van Putten has been married to her husband, W Carvel Van Putten, for ten years now — and said their relationship works because they built a friendship with one another before becoming romantic.

“I had come to Bermuda on a one year work contract and went home to Philadelphia for a year, so we were definitely friends first,” she said. “And one of the best things to me about our relationship is that he lets me be me.”

She said the relationships she had before meeting her husband taught her a great deal about herself, showing her what she wanted and didn’t want and what she could or could not tolerate.

“I’m like every other woman who has been through that process in my own life with relationships and had to figure out what was my contribution in a failed relationship was and figure out how to grow and heal from that,” she explained.

“So many women in particular lose themselves in relationships and all of us have known a girlfriend or someone who has lost their mind and you are trying to tell them to get a grip, get a hold of themselves.

“So some of the things I teach in the workshop are common sense and practical tips and advice to get you to the relationship you want.”

In order to prepare for seminar, Mrs Van Putten asked a host of long-standing and happy couples to share their wisdom and advice on what makes their relationship so successful.

She also examined sacred texts, such as the Bible, Koran and Husia (from Ancient Egypt) to find out what they wrote about marriage.

During her research, she found it fascinating to learn that marrying for love is a relatively new concept for the Western World.

Back in the 18th and 19th Century, people would marry for economic or social status reasons.

People who married for love in that era were considered “crazy or insane”, she said.

Mrs Van Putten believes that people should get married once they feel they are whole within themselves and can bring something positive to the table to enhance their partner.

“If you are not bringing something to the table, then you need to look at how things are going to work in the end,” she said.

“Part of the reason we have a high divorce rate is because people aren’t on the same page emotionally or economically or when it comes to issues surrounding fidelity.

“Whether you trust your partner often comes back to the whole idea of friendship. You want to know you can trust this person and they have your best interest at heart, that is way before you even get to marriage.”

She said women who had to go through their partner’s phone or Facebook page were lacking something fundamental to any relationship — called trust.

“It takes time to know someone’s character,” she said. “And that’s why I emphasise going through the seasons with a person, so you know who they really are outside of the heavy glare of the first week or months of a relationship when everything is all starry eyed and glorious.”

“Friendships Before Relationships” will kick off this Saturday from 10am until noon at the Cathedral Hall in Hamilton.

Doors open at 9.35am and refreshments will be available.

Small gifts will also be handed out to the first 50 or so guests and there will also be some raffle prizes.

Tickets, $45, are available at Orchid Nail Spa on Par-la-Ville Road and Music Box on Reid Street.

For more information, e-mail: melodyevanputten@aol.com.