Dear Dr Nekia,

My girlfriend and I have been together in a relationship for the past nine months, but we have been sleeping with one another for the past year-and-a-half. The sex is always phenomenal when we actually do have sex, but lately, since I have moved in with her, it’s not as frequent as I would like. I know that I have a higher sex drive than most women, but I don’t understand why I keep getting the hand, like she’s pushing me away. We seem to joke more about having sex than actually doing it and it’s starting to really bother me. I have brought it up several times and she just tells me that she doesn’t have the drive that I have. I just feel it’s not a good enough excuse since we were having sex all the time and so I don’t understand what has changed. I like to keep things spicy, but lately it seems like I can’t do anything to get her in the mood. Am I overreacting, or is there something wrong with me that I need to see a doctor about because I am ready all the time. I just got out of an eight-year marriage with a man that never wanted to have sex. I don’t want the same thing happening now with this new relationship.

Sincerely

Keep Getting Rejected

Dear Keep Getting Rejected,

I always find it interesting that most individuals with complaints about not having enough sex with their partners often say that the sex is very good. There will always be persons who don’t want to have sex as often as their partners would like and others who thoroughly enjoy sex and simply can not get enough. Most healthy couples maintain a varying degree of balance between these opposites. The tricky part is getting couples to be completely honest about their sexual desires; far too often we lie about our wants, needs, and level of pleasure satisfaction.

It is important to know that women commonly confuse lack of interest in sex, with lack of sexual desire or drive. Other than those who suffer from a medical condition, women who claim to have a low libido are really saying that they’re not interested in sex or that it has become unfulfilling for them. Such women could very well enjoy sex once it happens, but lack the motivation to actually get things started.

If infidelity is not the issue, I’d advise that you refrain from sex. Focus on reconnecting in non-sexual ways, and work on building trust and intimacy. Just as absence makes the heart grow fonder, so does temporary abstinence. Making things even more complex is the possibility that your girlfriend does not realise or understand her decline in sex drive. Sexuality is something that is very personal and scary to many of us. Rather than think that there is something wrong with us in this area, we tend to ignore warning signs that point to our shortcomings.

Until your girlfriend is open and honest with you there is no way to tell what she is thinking and feeling however one thing for certain is that you are not on the same page sexually, and this is creating a disconnect. You are experiencing this by getting “the hand”. In essence, your girlfriend is telling you that she needs some space, and that she may be feeling that you are coming on too strong. Once couples have decided to co-habituate, it is not uncommon for them to notice changes in their relationship. This is especially true of their sexual relationship. The reality is that living with someone affords the advantage of knowing and experiencing one another on the most basic levels. Your relationship may be going through a settling period. It is a possibility that the mundane day-to-day routines, along with knowing that you are now at her fingertips and available all the time, can be a combination for falling into a sexual rut. It is natural that you will begin to wonder if you are the problem, but do not get in the habit of doing so. One of the hardest things for us to learn is that the behaviour of others is never about us, they’re a result of their perceptions and internal selves. Realise also, that you may be hypersensitive to the situation because of similar experiences with your former husband. As hard as it may be, try not to compare the two relationships and try not to question your own sexuality too much. This will result in a clouding of your judgment which will overwhelm and distort your current relationship experiences. Remain confident in yourself, and keep in mind that as long as your sexuality does not bring harm to yourself or to anyone else, you are normal. If you do feel that you are unbalanced and that there may be something honestly wrong with your sexual drive, I would suggest that you see both a medical and psychological professional to rule out any possible underlying causes. Doing so will give you clarity and a peace of mind that comes with evidence that you are OK.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My woman and I have decided to stay together and work on our relationship. We have our issues like any other couple, and have wanted to give up many times but we have managed to stay together anyhow. My problem is that I do not feel like she is trying too hard anymore. She goes out a lot and makes plans without me. We have gone days without really speaking or seeing one another, but when we do she reassures me that everything is OK and that she is just as committed to me as I am to her. I just do not believe it though. Our arguments have stopped and we no longer have the issues that we did, but something feels off. Is it all in my head, because she says that it is and that she is not cheating on me. I guess she is committed because we have both stuck by one another no matter what so why am I feeling this way even though things are better between us?

Sincerely,

It Doesn’t Feel Right

Dear It Doesn’t Feel Right,

You may be feeling as though something is wrong because something is wrong. This seems like a simple enough answer, but it is the answer that most of us overlook because we do not want to hear it. We would rather self-blame and question what is wrong with us than face the reality that our gut instincts are true. You see, the part about commitment that people seem to not get or understand too well is that being committed is not just staying together or not cheating. This is why, when you raise your questions of commitment to her, she replies by assuring that she is committed since she is still in a relationship with you and has not cheated. Besides being faithful and sticking around, being committed to one another means that there is a daily promise and honest effort to show up and be present with and for one another. Being present here means that both you and your partner are physically, emotionally and mentally available for one another.

Furthermore, commitment is made up of conscious decisions and actions to treat one another right, and to do your best and be your best for one another while giving love and accepting love. Commitment is consistent in all of these things. It is a creating, building, and sharing of life that does not end because of what life brings. I would encourage us all to remember that a relationship, after all, is not something for two people to say they are in, rather a relationship is what two people create and live daily. If not, then there truly is no relationship to be committed to in the first place. Attachment is not relationship.

Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com