Dear Dr Nekia,

I want to marry my girl but I am not into traditions like she is. She is into the whole big wedding with the white dress and the whole nine but I’m just honestly not into any of that. I’m not saying that she shouldn’t have the wedding of her dreams, but that we should at least compromise. She isn’t trying to hear anything that I have to say if it goes against her vision and it’s annoying me because I don’t care what anyone says, it’s not just her day. Especially if I’m the one paying for most of it.

Sincerely,

It’s My Day Too

Dear It’s My Day Too,

The unfortunate reality is that it is impossible for her to compromise and have the wedding of her dreams. Compromise, by definition, means that there is a giving up of something or some things; for women who have been dreaming about their wedding day since childhood, compromise is a very hard word to swallow.

There is nothing wrong with compromise — however, it is important for you to realise that your bride-to-be may be one of the countless women who have been socialised into attaching themselves onto the fantasy aspect of a wedding rather than what the day is really about. Sure, they know that it’s an important day where you exchange vows and commit yourselves to one another, but what often outweighs this importance is all of the picturesque details surrounding the event.

Females are encouraged to create and build an entire fantasy focusing on all the fine details of their wedding day; males usually are not taught these things, which can lead to them not giving them much thought. Women seem to focus on falling in love, getting the man of desire to commit, the dream wedding itself and having children; men who choose to marry seem to focus more on finding the kind of woman that they want and then settling down into married life rather than placing their energy into the one-day event of a wedding.

Women, in this respect, may be faster to get to the altar but men are more prone to stay in the union for the long haul. Statistics back this up.

I have come across many women who speak of how excited they were to be engaged and have the wedding experience, only to be let down by the day-to-day commitment that it actually takes to stay married. This is the case even when the male’s behaviour or fidelity was not in question. Nevertheless, all of this is an indication as to how much emphasis women tend to put on the wedding day itself. Not all of us are this way of course.

And investment in the day is not necessarily a bad thing — however, it does become a bit troublesome when a woman’s wants overshadow those of her husband-to-be. One thing that you could do is sit her down and explain what traditions you are not keen on and why and offer alternatives as to how you would like things to go.

Try to make it a conversation that is not so much about your will against hers but co-creating a unique experience that will make both of you happy, reflect who you are as a couple and leave your guests with an unforgettable experience. Find out why each tradition — having a big white dress, etc — means so much to her.

Most women have no idea what each tradition symbolises or means, they simply have invested so much time, thought and emotion into repeating what they have seen and have been told is the proper way to do things that they want it. Maybe you can get her to connect with the wedding day on an emotional level that is less commercial and more personal to the two of you. This probably won’t be easy, but it is worth a try. In the end, despite what many people think, it is not at all unreasonable for you, the groom, to have your wants of the day met as well. All in all, I do agree that a wedding is not the bride’s day nor is it all about her. A wedding day is an event that serves as an acknowledgement of the marital union of individuals who have chosen to intimately come together in love and commitment.

It is a day that is to celebrate the couple, as well as the family, because it symbolises the merging or coming together of the individuals as well as the families involved. This day is much more than a pretty dress, some flowers, tasty food and free alcohol. If you see it as being more also, then I would suggest that you have a serious talk with your fiancée and let her know just how important the day is to you as well. However, I would leave out any mention of how much of the wedding you are paying for. This will only anger her and cause her to resent you for trying to pull rank and put a price tag on her happiness.

Dear Dr Nekia,

This is the first holiday season that I will be spending with my new man. I’m kinda nervous about it because we do not share the same religious beliefs. I do not want to be disrespectful of his views, but I also do not want to have to compromise mine. What do you suggest we do to get through the holidays as smoothly as possible?

Sincerely,

Holiday Anxiety

Dear Holiday Anxiety,

Every year around this time I’m asked for the best way to navigate the holidays when families and couples have differences in beliefs or religion. The easy answer is that people should be tolerant, that you should just smile through the way that others choose to celebrate as they smile through your celebrations.

However, not everyone can be so casual about things. For many, this time of year is very important to them and they are not willing to compromise their spiritual beliefs or traditions for anyone else’s. The result is that someone always becomes the passive one and gives in, or that couples and families celebrate holidays separately.

I would urge couples not to overlook or make light of differences when it comes to important matters such as family values and religious beliefs.

In a new relationship you may be enthusiastic in thinking that you can work through almost anything but far too many couples find out later down the road, that they should have paid more attention to their differences a lot sooner.

This is not to say that because you and your new man have differing spiritual practices the relationship will not work, but rather that if it is to work you should have an honest and heartfelt discussion before your first holiday season together.

Set aside some time to discuss what is important to you individually, as well as what is important to you as a couple. Your expectations, and how you both react to differences, will tell one another a lot about what to expect in the future.

Find out what each is willing to compromise on and from there you can plan a memorable holiday experience that you both will enjoy. Start with a conversation about what each of you would like to do and should you not be on the same page, agree ahead of time that it is OK to disagree and explore the possibility of doing your individual thing if the topic gets too intense.

Although the excitement of a new relationship dictates creating memorable first events, there is nothing wrong with spending the first holiday season in separate corners if it will save the integrity of the relationship itself. Some couples are just not strong enough to face big issues yet, and that is fine as long as you are both honest about it.

Opt instead to meet up for a religion-neutral dinner, schedule dates so that you get an opportunity to bond during the holidays and don’t end up completely neglecting your relationship.

It is also a good idea to agree to share your separate holiday experiences with one another so that you both remain in the loop of what is going on during this time.

Tolerance and acceptance is not always about compromising yourself and giving in. Sometimes tolerance is about just being willing to be respectful and share in one another’s joy, no matter the source.

Let this holiday season set the precedents for your future holidays. You may find planning your dates to be an exciting and useful tool. Such experiences can blossom into unique traditions you celebrate as a couple.

Eventually, as the two of you grow closer together, you will be able to keep the traditions that are important to each of you while adding ones that are unique to your relationship. In the end that is what the holidays are all about — togetherness and love — and I hope that we all can find a little bit of each this year.

•Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com