Dear Dr Nekia,

Some say that a woman should find a man who is already mature and stable, others say that a woman should not expect a man to be perfect and should work with his potential.

Likewise, some say that you have to get to know and love yourself before you can truly love someone else; others say that you are never complete until you meet your other half.

I believe that I am ready to settle down but people are discouraging me from it. They say I should live my life and not limit myself. I do not understand how settling down limits opportunity.

It just seems like people talk out two sides of their mouths — everyone wants to be happy and be loved but they act like settling down to have love is a foolish and pointless decision.

Sincerely,

Which Is It?

Dear Which Is It?,

It is both. As Buddha once taught, the middle path is the path to happiness. A man should reach a certain level of maturity and stability before finding a wife because he will need this to know how to appreciate and treat a good woman.

Meanwhile, a woman who chooses a man with little maturity or personal stability is asking for chaos. At the same time, we must recognise that no one is complete until they have found their mate.

You may be a complete individual but there are areas about yourself that aren’t nurtured until you connect with someone else. The modern belief is that pair bonding is a choice that holds no great significance to us other than the novelty of it all, but this is simply not true.

Even medical science notes countless health benefits to being part of a happy pair.

A woman should find a man with some maturity who also has the potential for growth. You should have some sense of self and self-love before loving someone else, but realise that your partner will reflect a lot back to you, which will give you opportunity to learn, refine and love even more about yourself.

As for the naysayers, take what they say in small measures. Most people have been scarred in their pursuit of love, or they have succumbed to materialism and the illusion of complete individualism and independence. Listen to the lessons that they may have to offer but know that their perception and personal experience does not have to determine your reality.

With the right perception, attitude and partner, pair bonding can greatly enhance experiences in life. Ever heard the expression, “power couple”? A power couple is when two people come together and enhance one another in such a way that they both experience tremendous success. They literally are empowered by their union together.

Sure, they may have been pretty great on their own, but together they multiply most everything that they touch. While most everyone wants this kind of connection and relationship, most are too scorned or fearful to find the value in it.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I have been working hard to lose weight and am very proud of myself. All of my friends and co-workers are very supportive of me and keep me going with their compliments. The problem is that my significant other is the opposite.

When I first told him that I was going to start exercising and eating healthy, he told me I would never stick to it. And now that I am, he tells me that I am still fat and that I looked better before I lost the weight.

We do not have sex as much as we used to and he says that he is getting turned off from me and that it doesn’t matter because I just want attention from other men anyway. I try to tell him that is simply not true, but he says that I am dressing to show off my body.

I admit that I take more pride in the way I look but it has nothing to do with wanting attention from other men. For the first time in years, I am beginning to feel good about myself. I thought that he would be happy for me. And I know that it’s not that he prefers bigger women because all the women he admires on social media are skinnier than I have ever been. What is his problem?

Sincerely,

Love My New Body

Dear Love My New Body,

Oftentimes, who we are attracted to or who we end up with in real life does not match who we admire or fantasise about. We pretty much know that media distorts reality and gives us little more than fantasy and unattainable images; its unrealistic nature serves the sole purpose of keeping us wanting to see more, do more, be more, have more, etc.

It caters to much of our lower level wants and lustful desires and when fed, these become insatiable. The next thing we know we are captivated and find ourselves living a dual life — one in the virtual world of TV and social media, the other our reality.

It is not uncommon that your partner is attracted to images of people who look nothing like you. If it were so important for him to have one of these women, and if he had the confidence and means to attract and keep them, trust me he would.

Instead, he has chosen to be with you. His lack of support is what stands out as a red flag to me. Equally as bad, he is attacking your cause. This means that he or she has some level of insecurity. It may be that they are afraid of you progressing and wanting more, afraid that you will leave them behind, afraid that they will no longer be good enough, afraid that you will gain the strength and self-love to expect better from them, or they are simply upset at the fact that your success reminds them of their personal failures. It is clear that he is attracted to slimmer women.

Many men say that they want a desirable woman, but they do not have the confidence to keep one. Their insecurities come across in their attempts to dictate or control what she wears, where she goes and who she talks to.

As well, they will try to instil a sense of self-doubt in her which can lead to codependency and low self-esteem; he thinks that this will secure his importance in her life. Your significant other points out that you merely want attention to attack your character and intent, says that you are still fat to cause you to feel defeated, and withholds sex from you as punishment for your progress.

My guess is that the more successful and more confident you become, the more he will act out and the less secure he will be. You can not and should not ever try to be in control of his dysfunction.

Keep progressing to be the best and happiest you that you know how and if he cannot love you for all that you become, then there may come a time when you will need to leave him behind, along with the extra weight and all the other unhealthy stuff that has been holding you back.

• Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com