Cape Cod as a visitor's destination. The following editorial appeared in the Cape Cod Times yesterday.

*** So the little island thinks it's better than the Cape. We can only say, `oh yeah?' In a recent advertising campaign designed to siphon off would-be vacationers so crucial to our survival, Bermuda's Department of Tourism suggests that four days there are better than seven on Cape Cod.

Well, we have considered that premise for several days now and we would like to offer this thoughtful editorial counterpoint on behalf of our maligned peninsula: Are you talkin' to us? Are you talking about the Cape Cod that is known for its sandy shores, its lobster dinners, its local theatre, its art galleries and ball games under the lights and concerts on the town green? Are you talking about the Cape Cod that is rich in images, from fishermen heading out at sunrise in search of the daily catch to children burying their face in a vanilla ice cream cone at high noon to lovers dancing on the beach at sunset? Are you talking about the Cape Cod Peggy Lee sang about, Thoreau wrote about and honeymooners dream about? Are you talkin' to us? Hey, Bermuda boys, get back to us when you're known for something more than shorts and a triangle.

Oh, sorry -- and an onion.

In the meantime, we have been examining the claims you make in your advertisements.

"From Boston,'' you boast, "you can fly to Bermuda in less than two hours.

So you can be in Bermuda faster than you can get across the Bourne Bridge.'' Yeah, that's assuming you are born at Logan Airport.

If not, you can figure that getting to Logan from anywhere in the Boston area will take you as long as it would take to drive to the Cape, check into your cottage, pop the top on a Sam Adams, assemble your hammock, plunk yourself down and read three chapters in Robert Parker's latest.

"Bermuda doesn't have billboards, burger franchises or neon signs,'' you state.

Billboards? Neon signs? When's the last time you were on the Cape, exactly, anyway? Listen, we have places here where you can't even paint your house off-white because it wasn't on the colour palette of the original Pilgrim homeowner. There are stretches of highway on the Cape where you can be fined for even saying the word "neon''.

OK, we do have burger franchises. That's because we have an old little sub-species of tourist here. We call them children. Here's an interesting thing about children (pay attention and you could increase the number of families you get vacationing in your little colony): When they're hungry, they don't want shrimp teriyaki and a small Caesar salad.

"Bermuda has over 600 varieties of colourful fish you can see while snorkelling and diving,'' you say. "Cape Cod has hundreds of varieties of cars you can see while you're stuck on Route 6.'' Second, pretty rich coming from an island where tourists aren't allowed to drive real cars. Gee, we tried to persuade Bostonians to come here on mopeds but they couldn't fit all their luggage in the side car.

And third, big deal. We've got fish coming out of our ears, and we admire them in their loveliest state: fried, on a plate, with a side of cole slaw.

Sorry, but you island tourism guys are going to have to go back to the drawing board if you really want to persuade folks of your summertime superiority.

Until then, we're afraid Bermuda is just coming up shorts.