Hon. Sir John Swan.

It's simple: get everyone in the party to stop eating meat, and calm and tranquility will reign.

The message came from a mysterious campaign for vegetarianism, which has been lobbying Sir John.

"Save the animals from bloody mess,'' pleaded an unsigned fax sent to the Cabinet Office.

"Intelligent people are vegetarians for life. Vegetarians are more peaceful and kind-hearted. Meat eaters are angry and violent.

"You are a great world leader! Be a good example.'' The message is unlikely to convince Sir John, however. While more likely to be seen eating fish, he is certainly not averse to chomping on red meat.

*** CBS Morning Show presenter Paula Zahn is one of the most recognisable people in America and also, one assumes, in Bermuda by dint of ZBM being a CBS affiliate.

But in journalism one should never assume anything.

On Friday morning, Royal Gazette photographer David Skinner was asked to take a photograph of Ms Zahn at Trimingham's.

He asked someone to call the store first to learn where the CBS This Morning star would be.

"Everybody knows who she is,'' an editor answered. "It's not as if you're going to walk into Trimingham's and not find her.'' Nevertheless, the call was made.

"Paula Zahn?'' the receptionist answered. "Is she a sales rep?'' *** If nothing else, Mr. Geoff Parker is persistent.

The Independence issue that is tearing apart the United Bermuda Party has everything to do with... the fact an annual report of the Auditor has not been produced in seven years.

Mr. Parker, the immediate past chairman of the National Liberal Party, misses no chance to hammer on his pet theme.

In calling for a referendum, the Premier has said the country needs to "take an audit on the Independence issue'', Mr. Parker notes in the NLP's April newsletter.

"He is simply confused. The country, after missing seven years of the constitutionally-required Government-audited figures, needs an audit of the books, not Independence.'' As for asking the Governor to appoint a Commission of Inquiry to probe the pros and cons of Bermuda going it alone? The Governor is "sadly a man, from our experience, who is not impartial,'' Mr. Parker said. "He has done nothing in the matter of upholding our Constitution with regard to the Government's failure to provide an annual report of the Auditor as guaranteed in (the) Constitution.

"If he can't be objective in such a simple matter, what hope do we have for an impartial Commission?'' *** The poet John Dryden once wrote: "Errors, like straws, upon the surface flow; he who would search for pearls must dive below.'' Some political observers believe those two lines hold true in the case of a headline in The Royal Gazette this week.

The headline "Swan denies UPB is in disarray'' appeared over a story about the Premier denying reports from within the party that there were problems.

The "UPB'' was, of course, a typographical error, but many saw it as an apt mistake about a United Bermuda Party that does not sound particularly united at the moment.

Former PLP MP Mr. Julian Hall said the headline was almost an onomatopoeia, translated as a word or phrase that has a sound like its meaning.

*** A baroness is being sued for allegedly not paying maintenance charges on her South Shore condo.

Baroness Elizabeth Raben-Levetzau, a local woman who married into the Danish nobility, is being sued for $26,832.

Mermaid Beach Club has taken out a Supreme Court writ against her, owner Mr.

Brian Alkon confirmed. He said she was one of six people who owned condos on the Warwick property that were sold before it was converted into a hotel.

She owed ground maintenance on the home, which was being used by her son, Mr.

Alkon said.

Baroness Raben-Levetzau, who lives in Paget, said she would be defending the case and objecting to the "exorbitant'' amount Mermaid was demanding.