Growing up without a dad can be tough, but it doesn’t have to define you. That’s the word from Anthony Wade, Lou Matthews and Jevon Williams.

They are part of a panel that will discuss the “truth and reality” of being raised in a single-parent home.

Join them tonight at a free symposium organised by the Alpha Phi Alpha fraternity.

Lifestyle spoke with the men in advance to find out more ...

• Jevon Williams, associate legal counsel at XL Insurance (Bermuda) Ltd

Jevon Williams was a toddler when his father left. He grew up believing he was the one to blame, and wrestled with feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.

“It wasn’t until I became a man that I realised that my father’s absence had very little or nothing to do with me and was more of a reflection on him as a person,” the 33-year-old said.

“As I reflect on my childhood, I realise that my mother spent so much time building me up and speaking greatness into me. Over time, this would inevitably become how I viewed myself.”

His grandmother and great-aunt played a huge part in his upbringing; his mom, Carol-Ann Griffith, was his “superhero”.

“Despite an absentee parent, I’ve always had very strong family support,” he said. “The matriarchs of our family worked hard and laid the foundation for our family to flourish.”

There were times when money was short, but his mom never passed any financial or emotional stress on to him.

“The hard part for me was that I knew that my mother deserved better, deserved more; and this was hard for me to see her struggle,” Mr Williams said.

“She is such a strong woman and I’ve learnt hope and perseverance through watching her make a way out of no way.”

Mr Williams worked hard to overcome past hurts; he especially didn’t want to pass them down to his own son — one-year-old Akanni.

“I eventually realised your life is yours to own, to nurture and grow however you see fit,” he said. “It does not belong to anyone else — not your father, not your mother, nor your teachers, etc.

“People need to decide indirectly, or directly, how their life should be lived.

“To live life bitter is to let someone else control you. Take charge of who you are and decide for yourself who you will be and where you want to go.

“Rather than focus on what, or who, is missing, look at what you’ve been blessed with instead and let it fuel you for your definition of personal success.”

• Anthony Wade: deputy principal at Clearwater Middle School

Anthony Wade was in his late twenties the first time he met his father. He was living in New Jersey when a relative told him his dad was visiting the US and wanted to see him.

“I only knew what my dad looked like from my parents’ wedding pictures, so I agreed to meet him out of curiosity,” Mr Wade said.

“After that he would come to visit me in the States once a year, and I would likewise visit with him when I came to Bermuda.”

Before that he harboured a lot of resentment towards his father — for not being around to teach him how to ride a bike, swim, fish, shave, or even ask a girl out.

After that meeting he managed to maintain “a polite and respectful relationship” up until his father’s death in 1994. Mr Wade was one of six children his mother, Eula-Lee Wade, had to feed and clothe.

They didn’t have much, but their basic needs were always met. Their grandmother, Ruth Edness, allowed them to live in a small apartment, rent free.

“I can remember playing in the clothing racks at the church thrift store, and that’s where we bought most of our clothes and shoes,” he said.

“We never ate out in restaurants, but my mom was a great cook and she always made Sunday dinner special. It was always leg of lamb or ham, never Spam! We ate as a family every day at the kitchen table. Meal times were the happiest times in our family and even as a teenager, I was not allowed to be absent during meal times.”

His mom worked two jobs to keep their family going; child support from his father was mostly in arrears.

“My grandmother took over the child-rearing when my mom finished [her day job], affording her the chance to work nights in restaurants as a kitchen porter,” Mr Wade said. “She worked as a maid during the day. We were really poor, but I didn’t know that until my Berkeley Institute days.”

He got his first job at 12, delivering newspapers. He liked the independence and freedom that came from having his own money.

“By age 14, I pretty much supported myself, and I’ve maintained two jobs to this very day. I still have a great appreciation for my material blessings and I look after them because I grew up with so little,” Mr Wade said.

He credits his success to his faith and positive extracurricular activities.

“I was saved by the grace of God and because I went to a good public school and had the opportunity to pursue sports like track and field,” he said.

“Men like Jerry Swan, the late Clive Long and the late DJ Williams really helped me get focused on school and athletics. Without them taking me under their wings I would probably have been in jail [or have taken some other negative path].”

• Lou Matthews: director of educational standards and accountability, Department of Education

Lou Matthews had a lot of unresolved anger in his teens because his dad wasn’t around. As he puts it, he grew up with “a major chip on [my] shoulder”.

“I had anger and abandonment issues even though I got to see my father every year or two,” said Dr Matthews. “He lived in another country with his wife. Early on we saw him every year, but as we got older the years spaced out.

“I recall shouting at my mom [Sylvia Dowling] one day and saying, ‘Why doesn’t my father love us?’.”

Dr Matthews’s saving grace came after joining a church and meeting a few male role models.

“This safety net that formed over my life was a great support to my mom and literally saved my life,” he said.

“Throughout the course of my college years and into adulthood, several men have stepped in to support my development. I think of James Landy, Michael Caines, Elbert Richardson, Curtis Degraffe, and others. They provided a solid cementing.”

His mom worked long hours at King Edward VII Memorial Hospital, and at various hotels. At one point she was working more than 80 hours a week to provide her three sons with the best educational opportunities possible.

“It was a struggle and I remember there were several eviction notices before we finished high school,” Dr Matthews said.

“And yet it was important to my mom that my brothers and I be in the best position to attend college. She had big dreams for us and made continual personal sacrifices in her own life for my survival.”

The biggest lesson his mom ever taught him was never give up.

“She taught us to never quit or limit oneself because of circumstances,” Dr Matthews said.

“She invested tens of thousands of money and blood, sweat and tears into my education. She wanted us to develop as men even beyond what she could offer.

“She focused on ‘infrastructure’, which meant adequate schooling, summer sailing lessons, swimming [lessons] over at White’s Island and early college summer learning. These were all of the things that would last beyond clothes or material comforts.

“She was my first entrepreneur role model — anything to build a better footing. We never made it to easy street per se, but she helped me obtain intellectual and spiritual wealth. I owe my mother a debt I can never repay.”

• Learn more at tonight’s free symposium at Bermuda College (Room 301) at 6pm. Educator Timothy Jackson, IT professional Lloyd Holder and risk manager Joseph Best Jr will also be part of the panel. The event is part of Alpha Week 2016, which culminates with the 17th annual Black and Gold Ball on Saturday night, where Bermuda Sea Cadets commanding officer Dwayne Trott and Bermuda Pacers coach Cal Simons will be honoured