Dear Dave,

My wife and I owe about $40,000 on our mortgage. My father-in-law, who is a very nice and generous man, said he wants to pay off the house for us, then let us pay him back over time. We’ve borrowed much smaller amounts of money from him in the past, and we were always able to repay it with no issues and no pressure. How do you feel about us taking him up on his offer?

— Seth

Dear Seth,

I understand you and your wife have been fortunate in these kinds of situations over the years. And I know your father-in-law would probably be a lot easier to work with than a mortgage company when it comes to the size and frequency of payments. But I still think you’re playing with fire if you take him up on the offer.

I assume your father-in-law is doing pretty well financially, since he can afford to make this offer. But the downside is just too risky. If I were him, I might offer to pay off the mortgage as a gift to my daughter and son-in-law. But a loan? No way. There are no strings attached to a gift that comes from the heart.

Don’t get me wrong, Seth. I’m not bad-mouthing your father-in-law. What he’s making is a very generous offer, and it’s an incredibly nice thing to do. But in my mind, a very important consideration is being left out of the equation, and it’s a spiritual issue. The borrower is always slave to the lender. Always. And sadly enough, nowhere is that more true than within a family.

Accepting this offer could bring instant discomfort into the relationship for you and your wife. This money situation is likely to hang over things like a dark cloud. Thanksgiving, Christmas and other special occasions will feel different — and kind of weird — when you’re suddenly celebrating with your mortgage lender instead of just good, old dad.

Even if you come from a reasonable, stable family, and it sounds to me like your in-laws are very good-hearted folks, this debt will always be in the back of your mind. But if you’re involved with a dysfunctional or controlling family, that tension is going to be right there — constantly.

I’d thank your father-in-law for his generosity and for the offer. But in my mind, it’s just not worth the risk.

— Dave

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Dear Dave,

I’m worried about my younger brother, and I need some advice. He’s divorced and has a son, and lately, it seems like he only wants to be a dad when it’s convenient. On top of this, he’s very irresponsible with money for someone in their thirties. Our mum and dad passed away several years ago, so I feel like this leaves me to be the big brother and parent at the same time. I’m not sure how to help him. Can you give me some advice, please?

— Andy

Dear Andy,

You’re a good and caring big brother to be concerned and want to help. And it’s a tough situation for you, especially with your parents no longer in the picture.

When I help people on my show, I have the benefit of them calling in and actually wanting help. These folks care about what I think, and in most cases, they realise things are not working for them. I don’t just walk up to people and say, “You know, what you’re doing is really stupid. Let me fix you.” I think that’s kind of the situation you’re in right now. So, before anything else, I’d begin to pray for him. Ask God to bring people into his life who will have a positive impact on him.

One of the worst things about these situations is watching people you love do bad things to themselves and the people around them.

Honestly, I don’t know there’s really a lot you can do without becoming the enemy to some degree. You can always try to hold him to a higher standard, and refuse to tolerate immature, irresponsible behaviour when you’re around him.

You might even look for opportunities to use yourself as an example. I’m not talking about puffing out your chest and pretending to be perfect. I’m just saying maybe point out areas in your life where you made mistakes in the past and how you fixed the problems.

But going out and trying to actively intervene in his life without permission, or shaming him in hopes it’ll make him grow up and be a man, would probably do more harm than good.

Approach him in a gentle, caring way. Again, not like some know-it-all, but just let him know you care and you’re there to help if he’s having difficulties. Take him out to lunch once in a while, or invite him over, and let him know you’re there for him if he needs to talk.

And remember what I said earlier about prayer? Bringing God into the equation is never a bad idea.

— Dave

• Dave Ramsey is an eight-times national bestselling author, personal finance expert and host of The Ramsey Show. He has appeared on Good Morning America, CBS This Morning, Today, Fox News, CNN, Fox Business and many more. Since 1992, Dave has helped people regain control of their money, build wealth, and enhance their lives. He also serves as CEO of Ramsey Solutions